With this ring...

Since it’s my wedding anniversary tomorrow and I’m feeling a little guilty about my last post, here’s something a little sentimental...

One day while on our vacation (well, er…trip) to GNP, the three of us got away and drove to the East side of the Park for lunch and pie. I waited at our table while D took Ry for a stroll on the porch. I sat there watching them, reflecting on all the changes that had taken place in our lives since the last time we were in the same place a couple of years prior. As many times as I’ve thought about running away from my life in the past year, there was enough quiet joy in that moment to make up for those. Watching the two of them together, reminded me of all the reasons why I married this man and how much I’m looking forward to returning to this place year after year with my family.

My musings didn’t go unnoticed. When I went up to the register to pay, a waitress--not our waitress, but another--said to me, “I really enjoyed watching you watch your husband with your son. You had so much love in your eyes.” I was really taken aback that she not only noticed, but also said something to me about it. It's sad how a stranger had to remind me how much I really do love my little family. With how fast our lives are back in Silicon Valley, those quiet and reflective moments are few and far between.

“Back to School with Starbucks”

Aaah! The frenzy of back to school preparation! I LOVE it! Okay, not really, but I keep thinking that if I say it enough times I’ll actually believe it one day. The summer always seems too short and I’m always left thinking what did we actually do?? The answer - a week here, a couple of long weekends there and a barrage of weeklong summer camps in between. As a mom of two, “Back to School” time comes with a little bit of relief that we made it through the summer in one piece and that the school year routine is right around the corner. On the other hand, it also brings a whole new set of anxiety and its own little mysteries. But I’ve come to the realization that caffeine is what has made it bearable this year. Yes, I admit to my addiction.

When it comes to school shopping, when is early enough?? I thought I’d be ahead of the game and shop for school supplies early and buy school uniforms before all the super eager incoming Kindergarten parents. The first week in August seemed to be a great time to start. I started the morning with my usual cinnamon latte from my neighborhood Starbucks. I head to Target to purchase the downloaded list of second grade school supplies. We arm wrestle a small child for the last Bat Man lunch box with thermos, whew! One hurdle passed – 21 more items to go. I get most things except the 3 Pee Chee folders. They still make peechee folders?? Is it me or are they everywhere when you don’t need one. Four stores and 2 mochas later, I decide plain folders will have to do.

I get to MerriMart, the uniform mecca of San Jose, and find that they are already out of polo shirts with the school logo. Rats! I have to special order them – wait 3 weeks! “You’re lucky you’re ‘early’,” says the chipper clerk. I think to myself gloomily, if I was really early then I wouldn’t be “special ordering” now would I? Back to have a double cappuccino.

Iced Chai in hand, I head off the following week to buy soccer cleats for the season’s first practice – didn’t we just buy a pair? Geez, when do their feet stop growing? You don’t have size 3 you say? – well, I bet they run small, let’s go with 3 ½. Two pairs of socks is not a bad thing. On the other hand, the Cub Scouts store actually had a shirt that fit – hoorah! My luck is turning – let’s have a caramel frappuccino to celebrate!

Can't wait for school to start! I need a vacation!

Children Behaving Badly

*Note: I am writing this post from our vacation in an internet cafe. We're having a great time! Please excuse any of the spelling errors and lousy punctuation you many come accross - thanks!

We live in a day and age when parents now take their kids everywhere - even to places that were once considered adult only public venues (the one that comes to mind most readily are high-end dinning establishments). Kids, of all ages, are now found at concerts, resturaunts, movie theaters (at times, inappropriately), etc. And apparently this is not appreciated by all. There is an article in the September '06 issue of Parents magazine (www.parents.com), titled "Baby Backlash", which describes apparently two different cultural ideals, clashing. Some thinking that children belong in a certain time, place and at a very low voulme only, thank you very much - and the other choosing to have their children participate with them fully in whatever thing or event they are attending. The article specifically refers to certain resturaunts putting up signs asking parents to have their children behave appropriately. (As a fellow diner, I actually appreciate this) As a mom, and just as a person, I value children and don't understand the antiquated thought that children should be seen and not heard. Beyond that, I see children as deserving as much respect and consideration as adults - they are fully human. (Unlike the a quote I heard recently in regards to an 8-yr-old being "almost a real person" - not intended as a put down, but just as a way of noticing how big the child was getting). So my question after I read the article is: Is it really a backlash against children as a whole, or just poorly behaved ones? (And I say this as a mom who has definitely had her share of a poorly behaved child in public)

Ok, bearing all this in mind, I will share of a recent experience while being on vacation. My spouse and I had the opportunity to hire a babysitter - while on vacation - and went out to breakfast. The area we are vacationing in is a very small beach town on the Central Coast of California. The resturaunt consists mainly of an outdoor eating patio, which is shared by a public walkway and general hangout area. In fact, we've been there before with our son, and there are big cement slabs that kids just love to run around and jump off of - nobody really minds that part - it's a shared area - and the slabs aren't right next to the dinning tables. So, we are eating our breakfast and a family shows up with two kids - a boy of about 4 (maybe 5) and an almost 2 yr old girl, and the mom and grandma proceed to sit down on the patio, and the kids run off to play on the cement slabs. However, the boy proceeds to get up on one of the slabs, using it as a stage, and begins to sing a song he knows- very loudly. His singing goes on for about 10 minutes (the same song over and over), and in the span of this time, the other diners are making comments to themselves about the volume of the singing and how it's affecting their dinning experience. A waitress even walks by and loudly makes a comment in earshot of the mom about how this isn't the place for a 'show'. So, the child continues to sing and the mom then gets his attention - and I'm thinking "ok, she's going to ask him to stop, or something." Not exactly. She tells him to pick a different song. "Sing a different song?! How about stop singing, or be a little more quiet?" - that's what I was thinking. And in the midst of it all I reflected that this very thing could be the reason there is somewhat of a "Baby - or more specifically, Child - Backlash". One of the things we do try to teach our child is respect for others and thinking about how our actions could affect others. On many occasions - in public - I've had to take the litle guy aside to ask him to speak more quietly, or to change what he was doing so that it wouldn't negatively affect someone else. He's not the center of the universe, and there are activities and voice volumes that work in one's backyard, but not in other places.

Now, having shared all that . . . . . I will share a time when my son behaved very inappropriately in a resturaunt. We were eating at a family friendly establishment -the kind where you order at the counter, get a number, and the tray of food is delivered to your table. My son was about 2 & 1/2 at the time. We were sitting in a booth with a very high partition between ours and the other booth. A man, woman and two kids sat down at the booth opposite ours (over the partition). I don't know if it helps that I include this part, but I will - the man (dad?) was very rude and snobby to begin with. So they get their food, and we get ours and the meals are progressing along very normally (or as normally as meals do when you are dinning with small children), and my son grabs his napkin, crushes it into a ball - and proceeds to launch it over the partition, where it lands- on the dad's plate! At that very moment I had two compltely different reactions - I was simultaneously laughing and then trying VERY hard to stop laughing so I could let my son know that wasn't OK, and then go and apologize to the man. Maybe a better mom wouldn't have laughed, but I did. And I wholehartedly aplogized to the man, but being the jerkish snob that he was, he didn't even say a word to me. I just received an evil glare - all while his angelic children ate their meals without incident. (I still find myself laughing about this one).

So, where do I come to with all this? Children are definitely a 'work-in-progress', they have not assimilated and mastered all the social graces that most adults have. (And I say 'most adults' - many adults find it perfectly ok to engage in behavior in public that shows complete disgregard for others.) I don't think the answer to our 'delimma' (is there one?) is to have the kids stay home all the time. There has to be some degee of grace and understanding of where the kids are at - they're kids, so they are going to act like kids. But, at the same time, the parents do bear some responsibility to step in and take action in situations where the child's behavior is infringing on someone else's enjoyement of a meal or other event. (If one's child insists on screaming in a resturaunt, the parent may need to pick up that child and take them outside - been there, done that.) Please comment and let me know your thoughts on all this. Am I completely out to lunch on all this?? (With my child dinning with me, of course.)

Hunting Attacks

One of my sisters suffers from what my family calls "hunting attacks." It's brought on by her husband going hunting for a few days and leaving her home with three kids. About halfway through the weekend, he's usually called home early to manage a home front crisis, much to the amusement of our man's man brother-in-law and the criticism of our well-meaning parents. Why can't she just let a man be a man?

After a week in Montana with my in-laws, I'm starting to get it. Although I didn't break out into a full "attack" of my own, I came close. It's not that I don't want D to play golf, fish, raft, and do all the things you do in the wilds of Montana (Grizzly bears and no DSL), it's just that I want to do those things too, which is complicated with Jr. in tow.

To D's credit, he's having his own mourning period of being able to do what he wants when he wants when in the manly state of Montana. Having a wife and child has cramped his style dramatically and he's taking it fairly well (and is leagues ahead of any man in my family). That being said, if I was the stand-by-your-man-woman my Idaho upbringing should have taught me to be, I have a sneaking suspicion that he'd be content to let the women and the children keep the home fires burning, while he goes after "the big one" (what man wouldn't?).

Although I already know this, I was reminded this week--again--that I AM NOT the mother or wife of previous generations and frankly, don't have many role models in that regard. My mom was a homemaker and although I’m starting to fall into a similiar category, I think it means something very different today and is still being defined. And, sometimes I wish that I didn’t’ have to be the one to define--or defend it.

Darn Nature

Even as I come up for air after a very busy, tiring, stressful, sleep-deprived (although meaningful, touching, rewarding, awe-inspiring) 14+ months that were kicked off by one of the world's longest labor and birth experiences (about 54 hours of active labor at 2 full weeks past my very accurate due date)... I've caught myself having "baby urges." Are you KIDDING? In my mind I know I am not ready for another baby right now! At the same time I am surprised at the power of the procreating instinct.

I expect that Jeeper will get a sibling (not yet sure if it will be bio or adopted which is a whole different discussion/post for another time).

But not ANY day soon.

New Blue Shoes

On Saturday I made a first-time visit to Me ‘N Moms and I hit a "Mom Find" grand slam!

Run number one: The store itself which was neat, clean, well-organized and well-stocked. An anomaly in the world of consignment.

Run number two: The great clothes I found for Jeeper including a new Babystyle long sleeve tee (for FOUR BUCKS!) and a funky dinosaur tee by Tangerine (a hard-to-find boutique designer of boy clothes).

Run number three: The perfect walking toy. On the way to the store, I was wishing I had a walking toy for Jeep, but I didn’t want to spend much money. How about a gently used Little Tikes Activity Walker for 8 dollars? Yes, thank you!

The final run: Brand new, too cute, blue shoes! M n’ M’s sells new shoes by Robeez and See Kai Run and I scored the last pair of the discontinued, but still so cool, Marek sandal. I couldn't believe it. They are the perfect size for Jeep’s feet, the timing is perfect for our trip to SoCal next week, and can't beat the perfect $19.95 price.

Yay, team!!!

"Healthy meals and good books"

As a working mother, I have always worried about whether my kids were going to turn into Chinese take out cartons or become best friends with the drive thru guy at Mc Donalds. Healthy meals and ready the moment we get home is never synonymous. But I have found something that has been a lifeline www.dreamdinners.com

Dream Dinners, founded by two working mothers, has helped me on many occasions put a healthy meal on the table quickly and without much effort. You go to their website, check out the monthly menu and select the meals you want. You then go to the store and assemble your meals. It is fun, feels like you are actually cooking and in about 90 minutes you walk out with 12 meals that feed 6 people each. You defrost in the morning before you leave for work and then either pop in the oven or cook on your stove when you get home. Make a salad and some rice and you’re good to go! For a family of 4, you either have two full meals or a dinner and then lunch for the adults, depending on how much of a hit it was at the dinner table.

It seems a bit pricey at first, but I have cut back on buying dinner groceries and just buy side dish stuff. BTW - if you are vegetarian, this option may not work well for you. Most of their dishes are meat based. My family doesn’t eat these meals every day, but once or twice a week it is great. It also forces me to cook things I wouldn’t normally, like paella and Caribbean Pork Roast. Me and my family love it!


My other recommendation is a place for bi-lingual children’s books. Being Filipino-American, I rarely find books with Filipino faces and stories. Until recently, there were no books written in both English and Tagalog (Filipino native language). A few year ago, I discovered Children’s Book Press in San Francisco. They publish, Lakas and the Manilatown Fish, a story about a young Pilipino boy and a magic fish. Not only does it have beautiful art, but it shares a lot about our culture. Children’s Book Press has stories about kids growing up in the US from Mexico, Vietnam, Korea, Central America and the list goes on. All stories share about their culture and are written in two languages side by side, not in different books. The CBP website also has lesson plans for teachers and are always looking for folks to write good stories. Check it out at www.childrensbookpress.org.

One Stroller to Rule Them All

Like most expectant mothers, I carefully researched baby gear during my pregnancy. I knew our sweet baby would require the breast, a car seat, diapers and clothes. Everything else was superfluous and I was determined to find the best basics. In many areas, my frugality and minimalism paid off. Skipping the infant carseat and starting right off with the Britax Roundabout convertible carseat worked just fine. Jeep didn’t seem to miss the baby swing and the excersaucer we never bought. But I was most proud of our selection of the Mountain Buggy Urban Single stroller. So many parents I knew had a closet, trunk or garage full of strollers. But we needed only one. I was self-righteous about the simplicity and singularity of our Buggy. The MBUS was a travel stroller, jogging stroller, and mall stroller all rolled up in one smooth-turning, show-stopping, hot orange package.

Which leads me to my "Mom Find" item. The Maclaren Volo stroller. Ahem. Yes, my solo stroller smugness has vanished. When I needed to take my son to San Francisco for a quick business trip, I worried about hauling the 25 pound Buggy through SeaTac, BART, and the Westin St. Francis. So I read a few reviews, found an online special and purchased a carbon colored Maclaren Volo sight unseen. The carrying strap and 11 pound total weight convinced me to make the purchase, but the one-handed operation and delicate ride have stolen my heart. The Buggy still dominates for trails and car trips, but the Volo is the ride of choice for shopping and airports. This particular "Mom Find" has convinced me that although we can get by without a pack-n-play, a second, lightweight stroller is a must have!

Baja Fresh Keeps Crazy Mom Sane

This post kicks off a Blog Mama Series on Mom Finds. We’ll be featuring our favorite things over the next week.

Anyone who knows me very well knows that Baja Fresh is a drug to me. If I'm having a blood sugar dip or am just in a foul mood, steak taquitos turns it all around. It's times like this that my loved ones wonder if I really am bipolar and if Baja is the self-medicating treatment of choice. Lately, I've had a little too much Baja and it has more to do with their awesome high chairs then with my steak habit.

Since I try to keep the house in "ready-to-show" condition these days, we eat at home as infrequently as possible. And the truth is, Baja is just the best home away from home for us. Their highchairs rock so hard, I'm considering selling my Peg Perego on eBay and buying a Rubbermaid Commercial Highchair just like theirs. Unlike those wood-boxy ones found in most restaurants (which despite matching many a restaurant décor, just SUCK), these have a matching tray and the tray slides all the way to the kid's chest, which is an important feature, I’ve come to learn.

When I fell in love with my leatherette Peg Perego, I read reviews that said that the tray didn’t slide in far enough and left a gap. I thought at the time, no big deal, why would you want to risk suffocating your kid between the tray and the chair anyway? Besides, the leather-look was soooo nice and neutral and matched my kitchen perfectly. BUT NOW, I see. If we had a tray that I could slid flush to Ry’s skin, we’d keep 99% of his food off the floor and I’d be working a whole lot less.

My own cravings aside, Ry really is great at Baja, which at this point, matters more than whether or not I like the taste of my food. Because at Baja, he’ll at least sit still and be quiet (shoveling in quesadilla and guacamole) long enough for me to eat at all. He seems to really like the food there, which makes me wonder if they’ve added some addictive ingredient or if it’s a genetic trait, or of it’s found memories of being in the womb. But all I can say, is that my great mom find of the week, no, of the year, is lunch at Baja Fresh. It’s the only thing keeping us sane.

Am I Really Going to Post About This?

Yes, I guess I am.

Now, I've not been a huge watcher of Oprah in my mothering life, but I do have stretches of time where I'll catch it fairly regularly (thank you, TiVo). And then I don't watch it at all for months - who has the time?? Anyhow, I got to thinking the other day, I'm not really a fan of her particular philosophies or her life message, and she can really get preachy about it sometimes, but I do think her show has focused on issues that really need to be dealt with, acknowledged, discussed, etc. So, here's my list of the Good and Bad about Oprah.

Good:
1. Her segments that focus on needed humanitarian efforts AND the needed financial resources she personally, and her Angel Network, provide for those causes. (Hurricane Katrina relief, the aftermath of the Tsunami in Indonesia, women's medical and health issues in African nations, AIDS education and relief, and SO many others I'm forgetting at this moment.)

2. Her vigilance in speaking out about child molestation/child predators (especially via the internet), AND posting the photos of WANTED child molesters - who ended up being aprehended once they were identified.

3. Bringing to light societal 'secret' issues such as, the child trafficking/prostitution rings in America, Crystal Meth use among stay-at-home Suburban moms, and the whole "On the Down Low" issue - gay african american men - something I knew absolutely nothing about before I watched her show.

4. The fashion shows for REAL women's bodies, and helping to identify what clothing work best. I love that she included the Dove Real Beauty campaign and the women they feature in their advertising.

5. Her message to mothers, that they are doing 'the hardest job in the world'.

Bad:
1. The Tom Cruise show (I caught that one the day it aired - oh my)

2. The flip side of any celebrity show - meaning - when she has celebrities on, she's very gracious and chummy with them all - which I understand. Here's the 'flip side' of that: She has 'real' folks on, and REALLY takes them to task over stuff. On the "When I Knew" show ( as in 'when I knew I was gay') she had a mother and teenage daughter on (the teenage daughter was gay) and the mom was being very honest about her feelings about it and Oprah just raked her over the coals about it. I mean, quite a few parents out there would struggle with having a child tell them they're gay, and Oprah seemed to want to make an example out of this lady. If that's how she feels, ok, but my issue is that she would NEVER talk to a celebrity that way.

3. The Concerts. Sometimes I do like the musical artists she has on, but I just don't think it works on a daytime TV show format. (Although, the Faith Hill one was pretty good - and I don't even listen to Country).

4. The whole James Frey "A Million Little Pieces" - book thing. Wow, that was crazy. I didn't like that she pushed that book so hard from the beginning, and for the longest time prior to that said that there wasn't much out there in the literary world worth putting on her book club. (What?! Why does she decide what is 'good' or 'worthy' writing?)

Well, I guess that's all I've got so far. I don't even know if I'll catch any of the episodes in the fall season since my son no longer naps *sigh*. (I'm still in mouring over the loss of naps). The whole Oprah thing is just funny in a way. I have some friends who are borderline-snobby about it - in that they do NOT watch Oprah, thank you very much. And then there are others who watch it - every. single. day. (My little sis Tivo's it and watches it at night.) Ok, and here's my last Oprah comment - a question really: Why are guys so opposed to watching it? (Let us all hear the men say in unison "Chick Show") Like it somehow calls into question their masculinity if they even admit to watching an episode. Here's a show idea for her! Men Who Watch Oprah ( . . . And the Women Who Make Them - jk). I think I'll send her an email now.

Parents Night Out

I meant to post on Saturday, but I forgot in utter excitement of Parents Night Out! This Saturday, we and 6 other couples, went child free to dinner. After dropping off the 9 children with my father and his 11 year old “head assistant” (who are saints for taking them all on) and 2 large pizzas, brownies and Capri suns, we headed out for a fine Italian meal.

I have to say it was awesome to have “adult conversation”. I had almost forgotten what those are like. Yes, we did dip into conversations about our children’s bowel movements, favorite princess costumes and their ability to be obsessed with dinosaurs, trains and goldfish crackers all at the same time. But it was a little slice of heaven. For the longest time – an exciting Friday night was picking out a new DVD! The fun never stops at our house.

We ventured to a trendy bar after dinner. It was something out of my world. Certainly pre-children I would’ve have been ready to a have shot of good tequila or a dreamy martini. But this evening, I was content holding my husband’s hand and not worried about whether one of my children was trying to dive head first into a fountain. (which happened last week) It was fun to reminisce about what we were like pre-kids and fantasize about life after the pre-school years. I’m hoping a “monthly date night” becomes a reality. Though I have to say, sometimes a night playing Monopoly Junior with the kids and going to bed by 10 p.m. is tough to beat!

This luxury – Parents Night Out – is one I HIGHLY recommend. Putting on makeup and thinking about putting on a fun sun dress as opposed to work wear or something that hides kids finger prints was exciting! Definitely some kinda statement on where I am today. We rarely higher sitters – but wow, it such a reminder that we really need one more often!

BTW- Dad did fine with all the kids. Almost all were asleep in the living room when we got home and my father wasn’t tied up with a gag in his mouth:) whew – he may actually volunteer again.

Motherhood is the Antonym of Makeover

I didn’t live a picture perfect life before my son was born, but in the last year, most areas of my exterior life have deteriorated. The other day a colleague who lives near me jogged by my house and I waved her over. As we chatted in the driveway for a few minutes I looked around and realized how much has changed in the last 14 months.

That morning I had “styled” my wet hair using the car vent blasting on high. The little makeup I was wearing had been hastily applied at a stoplight. Jeep was slimy (from the banana the produce clerk gave him that morning) and dirty (from crawling in our dusty lawn that hasn't been watered) and he had wiped a good amount of banana on my shirt. The dandelions in our yard were almost 2 feet high and our decorative grass was so overgrown that you can barely get in the front door (we use the garage door and are able to ignore the problem). I couldn’t invite my co-worker inside because I knew that the living room was covered in toys, the kitchen table was cluttered with months of paper, the sink was full of dirty dishes, our bedroom floor was a mountain of dirty laundry and the bed frame was covered with clean laundry washed a week before. Plus I didn’t want her to see the Pepsi and soft tacos that I had just picked from Taco Bell.

Sigh.

I’m thrilled to have my son in my life and am honored to be his mother, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by the pace and magnitude of change brought about by parenthood. I’m still learning the balance between self-care and self-sacrifice, but I think I get it right when I choose book reading over blow-drying, laughing over laundry and hugs over housework. So while I think my priorities are going through an appropriate makeover, please don’t come over for a photo shoot anytime soon!

Realtor or Intruder?

A very creepy thing happened last week. As you know, our townhome is currently for sale and we have a lockbox, something I’ve never been quite comfortable with, but was willing to trust the process for the sake a selling my home. As time went on, I became more easy about it—until this happened:

It’s not often D is at home at 4 pm in the afternoon during the week, but thank god it happened to him and not me. D’s sitting on the couch (Ry's napping) when the lock turns on our front door and a random guy wearing a football jersey and a baseball cap waltzes in. He sees D and freezes. D says, “Can I help you?” He replies, “Sorry man, I thought this place was vacant.” D proceeds to ask him if he tried to call, why he didn’t knock, if he had clients, if he had a card, etc. Turns out he doesn’t have a card on him, so he goes to his car to get one (at this point D is thinking that if he doesn’t produce a card in 20 seconds he was going to call the police). The guy does come back with a card with his picture on it and the name of the mortgage company he works for. He was extremely apologetic.

So D contacts our realtor, who investigates and finds out that Intruder’s boss loaned him his lockbox key so that he could show a place he bought to his sister and his mother. But he took the liberty to look at comps, but apparently doesn't know realtor protocol, BECAUSE HE'S NOT A REALTOR. According to our realtor, the Guy Who Owns the Lockbox Key, was also extremely apologetic (as he should be) and wanted to do "something to make it right” and offered to buy us dinner.

There’s nothing he can do to make it right (outside of buying our place over asking price). Now, we've taken the lockbox off. Which totally sucks for us, since now, it could take longer to sell our home. We may come up with an alternate plan, like having deadbolts installed that can only be unlocked from the inside and have Guy Who Owns the Lockbox Key pay for it and then we keep the lockbox. This solves the problem of our personal safety, but not that of our personal property. After this incident, it makes you wonder who could be in our home doing who knows what at any given moment. And, you wouldn't know about it, especially since this guy had no intention of leaving his card.

But the bigger question is, and this is what I need your help on: should Guy Who Owns the Lockbox Key be reported to the realtor board and face potentially loosing his license over this? What I’m trying to get my head around is whether or not something shady was going on or just extreme stupidity. In any respect, it’s against realtor ethics to lend out your key, so he’s already done something wrong not to mention idiotic. I'd hate myself if someone got hurt becuase I didn't report a potential scam, but I also wonder how much one should have to pay for an err in judgement, if that was in fact going on. Need your input, anyone and everyone.

A part time job. REALLY???

I previously posted the following on the Silicon Valley Mom’s Blog and received quite a flurry of comments including: “Y'all just reminded me of Robert Altman's movie "Short Cuts," in which a young mom is trying to run a phone sex business while feeding and taking care of her toddler.” Interesting. I hadn’t thought of that one. Would probably pay pretty well. Don’t you think? Now onto the post:

I really appreciated Lucy’s post (Lucy is a fellow SV Mom Blogger). I too, in my writing here want to focus more on moms--not necessarily mothering issues, but more about adjusting to and being a mom and an individual. I appreciated Lucy for absolving me of the guilt. And, she’s inspired me to write about something that’s been festering for a couple days:

On my Lock up your Apples post, I mentioned that my days of working in an office were rose-colored, which related more to why I’m resentful of my husband’s job at times and less to my desire to work. But a commenter wrote, “So why don't you hire some help and work part time?”

This rubs me the wrong way for a couple reasons. First it assumes things about me that may or may not be true (1. that I don’t work 2. that I want to work) and felt a little dismissive about my resentful feelings toward my husband’s job, which is really more like me resenting his position in society. My career is significantly compromised because I chose to be a mom whether I work or not. My taking a part-time job (or even a full time job for that matter) is not going to fix those feelings. I also used the term “rose colored” in my original post, meaning that now, working seems cooler than it really was—the grass is always greener, as Seattle Sun pointed out last month.

I—like every other mom—am just trying to find the right balance and one of the things that keeps coming up is that there is very, very, little external validation for being a mom. And by suggesting that “I get a part-time job,” this fellow mom reinforced the belief that the only way to feel good about what you do is to work.

The truth is, I do work, when I want to, which lately isn’t very often. It’s nice that I have that kind of flexibility. But even still, because the daily demands are so high, that in order for me to do this work, I would have no down time, ever. The reality is, I’d rather just be with my kid, but that’s very hard for me to do because I’m such a sucker for external validation. I just wish our society could see how important mothering is and reward me for it (read my post on wanting the nanny’s job).

You can read all the commentary on the original post here.

Five First Year Favorites – Breastfeeding Stuff

Blog Mama reminded me that August is World Breastfeeding Month, so to celebrate, I thought I’d share my breastfeeding story and review some of my favorite nursing products. I’m not exactly a lactivist, but I believe that mothers deserve lots of breastfeeding encouragement and I would love to see our society become much more supportive of nursing.

After the pretty standard painful start, Jeep and I were able to manage breastfeeding although it seemed like I produced just exactly enough milk. When he was three and a half months old and I returned to work, I had enough stored milk to get him through one day. So everyday I would pump like crazy at work, rush to the daycare center to nurse at lunch, drink tons of water, swallow fenugreek caplets until I smelled like maple syrup and we still lived from bottle to bottle! My supply started to drop from all the stress so I finally bought a can of organic formula. Jeeper happily sucked down the bottles of formula in between the bottles of breastmilk and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I didn’t get to relax for long because after about two weeks, he started balking at the formula and within one more week he completely refused it. So I was once again chained to the breast pump praying that I wouldn’t spill even one drop of the "white gold."

At six months we started to introduce fruit and veggie baby foods so the pressure began to let up. Things got easier as Jeep ate more foods and now I only pump once a day and each afternoon at daycare he has one bottle of breastmilk. He is almost 14 months old and he still nurses in the mornings, evenings and nights – most of the time I love it although there are some frustrating moments. Originally I hoped to be able to breastfeed for one year and now I hope to nurse for at least two years.

I encourage every mom to consider breastfeeding. It is rarely easy so you’ll need lots of tools, support and determination. The two pieces of advice that helped me the most were: 1.) Take it one day at a time. Sometimes when it isn’t going well it is hard to imagine pushing through the challenge to make it to some far off goal (like 6 months or one year) but you can probably make it until tomorrow and that is enough. 2.) If things aren’t going well or you have a question or problem, ask for help (some resources to try are a lactation consultant, La Leche League meeting, midwife, doula, doctor, mom’s group, female family member or friend with nursing experience or even the internet) and if that person or resource doesn’t help, ask someone else. Rarely does the same advice or solution help everyone so keep seeking answers.

Breastfeeding Product Reviews

Hug Nursing Bra by Japanese Weekend – The Hug bra is by far my favorite nursing bra (I own three of them and would love to buy one or two more). I bought and wore my first one in late pregnancy because it was soft and stretchy and it accommodated my expanding chest. I was so grateful to have it in the first weeks of nursing when I needed to wear a bra 24 hours a day; it was even comfortable for sleeping. Like many new moms, my breasts were extremely tender and sore when I was first learning to breastfeed so a very soft bra was of paramount importance! After the soft, stretching fabric, my second favorite feature is the layered style which creates easy access for breastfeeding. Because there are no clips or snaps, it is easy to operate with one hand. I always lift the cup up which provides a smidge more privacy than bra styles that only drop down to give the baby access. (Note, the photo shows the pulled down cup position, but it is just as easy to pull the cup up.) I throw these bras in the washer and dryer (probably not ideal) and they have held up beautifully. The only potential downside is this bra is on the lighter end of support so it may not be a great all-day bra for moms who need firm support.

Lansinoh Lanolin – I’m still not sure why rubbing sheep grease on very sore and tender nipples helps, but it does. (It would make sense to me if they were just dry and cracked, but they weren’t dry and cracked as much as they were raw and cracked. Sorry, but it is true!) Anyway, one tip is to rub some lanolin in between your fingers to soften it and then put it on the nursing pad which you then gently set on your sweet tender ladies. M-u-c-h better than trying to rub cold, stiff lanolin directly onto sore, sore girls. Yee-ouch! Lansinoh is a reliable brand for quality and purity and I found that one tube was more than enough to get me past the painful part. Now I use it on my dry elbows.

Lansinoh First Days Ultra Soft Nursing Pads – The regular Lansinoh nursing pads were high on my list, but during those sore first weeks, the ultra-soft nursing pads were my favorite! They are more curved than the rest, plus they are puffy cloud soft.

Lansinoh Breastmilk Storage Bags – These are the best, no question. They are easy to open, easy to fill, easy to zip, easy to label, easy to freeze and easy to pour. I avoid bags that use twist ties because they easily leak.

Medela Pump in Style Backpack – If you are returning to work, you MUST have an electric, double breast pump. (Even if you are not going back to work, you should get one.) I heard and read this advice when I was expecting but it didn’t really sink in until almost too late. After Jeep was born I went to the nearest drug store and bought a manual pump. The manual pump worked okay for expressing a little milk if I got engorged and I used it to pump a few ounces after we had breastfeeding established. But once I needed to pump three or more times a day at work, the only way to go was the double electric pump. An angelic friend lent me her Medela “Pump-in-Style” Backpack so I haven’t tried the newer Advanced version. The original one worked fine and the backpack was super handy for hauling to work and back everyday. My dear friend also gave me all my own new replacement pump parts so nothing “used” was ever touching me or my breastmilk. Remember that not only is it ideal to give your baby as much breastmilk as you can, formula is expensive so think of the purchase of a high quality breast pump as an investment.

To see more product reviews, check out my post on my top ten favorites: Baby Stuff.

The Never Ending Hunger

This is not a philosophical post, nor is it a spiritual one.

One might think from the title that it refers to something like Jesus talking to the woman at the well about her thirst, and the Living water - OR - even the whole idea that God's word is our daily bread.

No, I'm talking about food, people, and how amazed I am at how hungry I get when my day is spent, taking care of ONE little boy. Not only do I need 3 squares a day, but often snacks too. There must be something about helping a 3 yr-old get dressed, driving on various errands, listening to his questions, requests, demands, and cries. Then there's the laundry, spending time on the phone with various vendors one needs to speak with when dealing with household issues (today is was the insurance company), and figuring out what to make for dinner and then making it. I've left out so much, and have not even included any kinds of interruptions that occur and my need to incorporate them into an already full day. I live in a beach town in Southern California, and so I see ALOT of very thin women, many of whom are moms and I don't know how they do it. If I tried to be that skinny (which would mean eating alot less than I do now) I would be the crankiest mom on the planet due to extreme hunger. Sometimes it's so bad I simply cannot focus on what is going on and I just need to stop whatever is happening at the moment and GET SOME FOOD, DANG IT! I don't think mothers of small children were designed (or destined??) to have biceps the diameter of one's wrist, or to wear sizes such as "0" or "2". (Although, if you do and all is going well for you, more power to ya). Now please excuse me while I go eat . . . . again.

"My Monastery is a Minivan"

Okay this is going to sound very weird...BUT I LOVE my car! Well maybe not the car itself, but the idea of it. My car at first glance is absolutely disgusting. I don't park it in a garage, so it constantly has that layer of grime and tree sap, sometime kitty paw prints adorn the hood. The inside is constantly strewn with sippy cups, crushed gold fish crackers, soccer cleats, pre-school books, old coffee cups and something that fell from my make up bag. My husband, John, is always amazed by the "treasures" he finds in my RX300.

I admit its a bit embarrasing at times, expecially when co-workers, non mothers or just anyone any penchant for cleanliness gets in my car - but to me it just sings motherhood! I picked up My monastery is a Minivan, by Denise Roy. It has saved my life a few times. When things get tough or just crazier than usual, I think of her short stories about her life with her minivan and her 4 children - that just seem to put things in perspective for me, since I struggle everyday with only 2!

My SUV has become one of the best places I connect with my children and husband. In the confines of my little car, we talk about what they did that day. I find out who they played with on the playground and find out about what they are looking forward to about the next day -- all the things that matter to them in their world at that moment. When we take long road trips, my husband and I always spend time talking about the future and reflecting on what crises we've mastered in the last few months - like potty training! yee haw! Who has time for that kind of conversation on a daily basis - before or after the kids take a bath?

I've come to terms with the fact that my car is the place where I can count on getting at least 15 minutes of peace between the time I drop off the kids and head into work. My car gives me the luxury of a little time to get myself together and think about things that matter- like making sure I don't have breakfast stuck between my teeth. Maybe even put on lipstick! Ah! ain't life grand!

BTW - I am wishing for a new car. I'm looking at a 2003 Eurovan. Anyone have one???

Wrestle Mania

I grew up with two brothers and I recall a good amount of wrestling at our house. While my older brother was on the actual wrestling team in junior high, what I remember most is the three of us rolling around on the floor trying to "pin" each other. Knowing my past, I'm not surprised that Jeeper likes to wrestle. But I am surprised that he is such a tough wrestler at 13 months old! I would have never guessed that I would be pinned daily by a 23 pound nursling. Granted, he uses a unique technique where he presses his open mouth on my face (usually right over my nose) and then drools, causing me to be overcome with the heebie-jeebies and the giggles and the combo effectively renders me helpless. Sometimes he wrestles his daddy and occasionally he plays a little rough with his best friend at his daycare, but so far I am his favorite opponent. And as long as he stays away from moves like the "jawbreaker" and the "hammerlock" and he lets me sneak a few snuggles, neck nuzzles and a smooch or two, then I say, "Bring it on little man!"

Lock up your Apples

Two weeks ago I ran over D's Powerbook. Yes, DROVE OVER IT. His Nano was in the same bag, but somehow went unscathed, so a few days later, I “watered” it with Miracle Gro. Although I’d really like to claim these as intentional acts (and live to write about it), they were freak accidents. But I’m wondering if just maybe something was operating on a subconscious level here.

You see D works at Apple. And lately he’s been working longer hours and traveling more, right as we’re in the middle of this house buying/selling frenzy. In fact, the week we put our place on the market, he was in New York and I had to DO EVERYTHING MYSELF (read my Single Supermom rant).

Sunday he leaves for Tokyo for a week and I’m starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it. I know his job is important and I really need him to bring home the bacon (since we all know I can’t possibly be making enough as a mom and freelance writer to pay a Silicon Valley mortgage, which is now TWO MORTGAGES). But I can’t help but feel abandoned, resentful, overworked, and lonely.

He’s constantly reminding me that his work isn’t a “cake walk,” but the problem is, my working-in-an-office memories are rose colored. I reminisce about lunching with co-workers (and finishing not just my meal, but also a conversation), dressing up, and going to the bathroom by myself, not to mention being appreciated--and rewarded--for my good ideas and hard work.

So, as he asks for my wish list from Japan (yeah THAT MAKES IT ALL BETTER), I’m more grumpy than gleeful. I suggest locking up your Apples everyone, I’m on the loose.

Roots

My mom and dad have a big garden and recently my mom emailed me this photo of some radishes they grew. Wow, look at those roots! I can't get them out of my mind. Even worse, I've gotten too philosophical about vegetables since seeing this picture.
To explain, you need to know that my parents don't live in the Seattle area. Actually, my husband and I don't have any relatives in Washington state (well, maybe we have a 3rd-cousin-twice-removed somewhere around) or even in any bordering state. Our immediate families live in Montana, California and Texas and we have extended family primarily in New Mexico and Oklahoma.

I love many aspects of our life here in the Pacific Northwest, but I also have a deep urge to grow roots in one place. That feeling grew stronger after Jeep was born. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have roots and if that experience is even possible. I've lived in three different parts of the US for 6 years or more and I feel connected to each of those places. I miss unique aspects of each of those locations even while I enjoy living here. Did I grow roots in the past and pull them up when I moved? I'm not sure.

Do I need relatives around to have roots? I know the answer is "not necessarily" because I was very connected to my home town and the people there even though I grew up with no extended family around. I have dear friends, good neighbors, supportive colleagues and a network that deepens daily here in Western Washington. I think I should feel rooted here and often I do. But then I see Jeeper with his grandparents or one of his uncles (or any other family member) and I notice something different. I'm not sure how to explain it. The love of the family seems a tiny bit more accepting and I wish he could be around that love more a little more often.

One more veggie tale might help clarify my muddled thoughts. I bought a bag of sweet Maui onions at Costco because I couldn't resist the price. We don't eat onions much – we use only one or two a year so it was dumb to buy four. When I got home and looked at the bag I felt sad that I don’t have family in the area. Because when it is family, you can stop by and drop off a couple of extra onions. And they will like and love you just the same (even appreciate the gesture) and not think you are strange. I want Jeep to have that "extra onion" type of acceptance in his life.

Some days I threaten to pack all we own and move in with my parents or in-laws. Maybe that closeness would give me instant roots, but it would also come with some significant trade-offs. What helps me the most is to be grateful for this moment. We have the love of our family and we connect through email, phone calls and visits as often as we can manage it. We are blessed with great and growing friendships here in town as well as special friends around the world. This place offers satisfying jobs for my husband and me plus spectacular care for our boy. So while I'm still not sure how to grow roots (or what that means or if it is important), today I am thankful for a rich harvest.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Reflections on my first year of motherhood

It's Ry's first birthday today. Last night as we spooned, my husband murmurs, "We haven't spend a night without Ryan in a whole year." I ponder on this a moment and said, "I haven't spent a night without him." It's a pretty major milestone--a year--and it's been quite a transformation for all of us. But here are a few thoughts as they pertain to my journey.

The Good
Yesterday Ry laughed all day. It started at Baja Fresh when he kept giving his “starfish wave” to an elderly couple a few tables over. Each time they waived back, he busted up with these big belly laughs, which was so contagious, the whole restaurant was in smiles. Then we went to Longs for batteries (all those frickin’ birthday toys). I hand him my keys to keep him from climbing out of the grocery cart and the checker says, “You got the keys to the Jeep? Vrmmm. Vrmmmm. Vrmmm.” Ry grinned from ear to ear and immediately started doing his own Rmmm. Rmm—for the first time. Then at naptime, there’s loud chortling coming from the baby monitor. I go in his room, and he's standing in the crib, facing the mirror, practicing his “routine.” Now that his audience has arrived, he breaks out into a four-teethed squeal of glee. At bath time, I rub my hands vigorously together to make suds. Who would have thought that that was the funniest thing of all time? It’s hard to be down when you're around someone who thinks you're the funniest person alive. As our nanny said, it’s in these moments that you know what it’s like to be Jerry Seinfeld or a rock star.

So today, I’m thinking about Ry’s very first day and I remember lying in my bed at Good Sam talking to a friend over the phone and saying, “I’m in love.” I’ve never been a love at first sight kind of chick, but August 1, 2005 changed all that. Two months later, I had that feeling rush over me again, when he began cooing to me in his sweet soft voice. Shortly after, my mother got him to laugh for the first time. The feeling came again when he first waived bye-bye to me from the nanny’s arms and then again when he started calling “mum” from his crib. And now it happens almost everyday when his eyes meet mine, we smile, and seem to share in some sort of inside joke.

I had my astrological chart read before I was pregnant (or even seriously thought about getting pregnant) and I was told, “Children in this chart are a love fest.” Which, interestingly enough (I don’t put a lot of stock in this stuff, so it’s interesting to me) that’s pretty much true for Ry. Anyone who meets him falls in love instantly. We had a birthday party for him on Sunday and I’ve been getting several emails ever since from our friends saying he’s one of the happiest kids they know. And whenver I doubt the job I’m doing, my husband reminds me of how much he smiles. Sounds wonderful, huh? Well read on.

The Bad
It’s a given that new parents don’t get much sleep. Everyone talks about it. Everytime someone asked me, “Is he sleeping through the night, yet? I’d say “yes,” just so they’d bugger off. But, going on a year of sleep deprivation, I’m crankier, fatter and I hurt all over (more on that later). I know that if just got more sleep, I’d lose 10 pounds just because I’d be sleeping when otherwise I’m eating. Think about it. If you get up at 5 am, you have to eat two meals before you get to noon. If you got up at 8 am, you’d only need one. And speaking of food, I’ve had constant heartburn for the last two years. First when I was pregnant, but now because I never have time to chew my food. I inhale everything because you never know when or if you’ll get to finish a meal.

The thing no one talks about is what your baby will do to your marriage. Right along with birthing classes, there should be a course on “How not to kill your spouse.” My husband and a colleague (who’s also a new dad) have already started compiling course materiel for “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: How to Survive Your Wife’s Transition to Motherhood.” Seriously, I heard a startling statistic that the divorce rate during an infant's first year is astronomically high. It’s a simple thing, really. You’re both sleep deprived and the kid sucks all your patience, so sadly, you have nothing left for the person in your life who used to be the one that got everything you had to offer. No to mention that you feel asexual, and your self-esteem and body image are in the dumps.

Then there are the well-meaning family and friends who want to micromanage your motherhood. In the early days, I’d wish put the following messagone on the outgoing voicemail: I DON’T CARE HOW YOU OR ANY OTHER MOTHER DID IT. I have five siblings, eighteen nieces and nephews, and a doting mother-in-law of her first grandson, so I get a good dose of unsolicited advice and commentary on my mothering tactics. When Ry was just 8 months, we went to Hawaii with my sister. We didn’t have a meal in which it wasn’t said, “you’re feeding him THAT?” My sister was so intent on letting my baby enjoy the pleasures of food, that it was only two days before I found him eating banana smoothie in the hot tub. But as much as I wanted to keep him on a slow introduction of organic foods, I realized that he is--and will increasingly be--his own person, and as much as I can control what he does now, I’m not going to be the only influence in his life. So let him eat smoothie, just don't ridicule me for feeding him carrots.

The Ugly
A week after Ry was born, I ran out of Vicodin—on a weekend. Can’t remember what the OBGYN’s lame excuse was, but it wasn’t until 6 pm Monday that we got the refill. That was the day I could have easily found myself on the streets trying to score more. I would have done anything to get rid of the pain. There was one moment where both baby and I were screaming our heads off. And if I was paying attention to anyone beside myself, I could have seen the whites of my husband’s knuckles as he tried to hang on to sanity for all of us.

Six weeks later, I had such blood sugar fluxuations that caused fits of rage, often shortly after breastfeeding. I just couldn’t get enough to eat or the right things to eat. And about that time is when the stiffness started. I’ve always had problems with chronic pain, but this was new, different. Now, I wake up in the middle of the night to go to my baby and I can’t walk. Sometimes it’s hard to even hold his bottle for longer than a few minutes. It’s been better with the change in weather for summer, but there was a time last spring, I seriously thought I was going lame.

I’ve had more panic attacks in the last year than I can now count. And there are times when the prevailing thought in my head is running away from my life. A dear friend of mine said once, “After I had a child, my freedom was forever gone.” And this woman is the best and dearest of mothers. But I get it. Even if I did run away, I’d never be free. I’d carry my son around with me the rest of my life, even if we weren’t together.

So…two endocrinologists, a rheumatologist, several massage and acupuncture sessions, several herbs potions, and many therapy sessions later, I’m working toward getting better. And if that’s not possible (as it often is with chronic pain syndromes), maybe I can learn how to cope better. My health is forever compromised due to being pregnant. Hormones aside, my emotions are that much more complex due to being a mom. And, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever be as svelte as was at 17 or 25. It sounds trite, how everyone says that “it’s all worth it.” But somehow it is (or maybe I’m trying to convince myself of that or otherwise, I couldn’t go on). All I know is that yesterday I laughed and giggled all day long at even the most mundane of tasks. And the last time that happened, I was a kid. That’s a feeling that, if you could bottle up, would make you the next Donald.