Power Struggle

I recently called BlogMama to propose a topic for her personal blog gratitude365… electricity.

Probably not at the top of your thanksgiving list, but I know over one million people here in the Pacific Northwest have a newfound appreciation for the juice that fuels our overhead lights, garage door openers and furnaces (and a whole slew of other luxuries). While many homes in the greater Seattle area had power restored one, two or three days after the wild wind storm the night of December 14th, we were among the unfortunate few who waited eight days in the dark and cold. Okay, we didn't exactly wait all eight days - the last two nights we stayed in a hotel, but even during those two days the trips home to pick up necessities were chilly and dim.

Living without power has many similarities to camping so the first day or two it was almost fun. During our "camping adventure" we relied heavily on our small woodstove. We used it for heat (the uneven temperatures were frustrating at times), for cooking necessities such as grilled cheese sandwiches and cowboy coffee (water and grounds thrown together into a saucepan and heated to almost boiling), and for entertainment ("Dancing Flames: the Mini-series").

But while I imagined I was Laura Ingalls-Wilder at first, I quickly tired of hauling wood and stoking fires. Those oh-so-important daily toddler routines became impossible and Jeep's moods swung wildly. We tried to be grateful knowing there are so many tougher challenges in life, but patience ran thin all around. The hard-to-penetrate-darkness was the hardest blow for me personally and I felt completely exhausted by 7:30 or 8:00 each night.

This brief challenge brought great respect for pioneers and people who suffer through disasters with losses much greater than the food in a fridge. I am ever so slightly more aware of what is truly important in life (the answer is people, not clean laundry - although clean laundry is very, very nice) and also a tiny bit more aware of all that we take for granted in our easy, electric lives. That being said, the moment the electricity came back on I ran around the house, flipped on every light, turned on the TV, played the radio, cranked up the heat, started the laundry and ran the dishwasher. Ah, the power of power!

Green Nails

As more and more of my friends, neighbors, colleagues and associates announce that they are happily expecting, I've been been reflecting on being pregnant. I've decided that my pregnancy was a hike in the gently rolling hills while motherhood is a rock-climbing adventure. In my very-average pregnancy I experienced physical, mental, emotional and spiritual changes that were life-altering, but they happened more gradually than the changes motherhood throws my way.

It is true that pregnancy offers many uncontrollable aspects (Is it a boy or girl? When and how will I go into labor?) but the baby on the inside was a little easier to control than the baby on the outside. Not that Jeep is harder or easier than your average 17 month year old. But when he was inside, even though I couldn't make him eat or sleep or play happily by himself "for a couple of minutes so Mama can go to the bathroom," it didn't really matter because he was inside and I could usually manage to eat or sleep or go to the bathroom in peace. Of course I knew that once my baby arrived I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep or use the bathroom the same way I did before. But having a child has changed the way I do those things as well as every single other thing in my life. And at the same time that I'm trying to operate my life in a whole new way, I'm in an intense relationship with a fascinating person who changes even more quickly than I do - my son.

Today when I picked Jeeper up from his Montessori school, I noticed that he had splotches of green on his hands and under his fingernails. I got a lump in my throat because that green paint residue was a quick and clear reminder that he isn't a baby anymore. He walks and runs and talks on the phone and plays jokes and operates the velcro on his shoes and expresses himself creatively with art supplies. Sure he still wears diapers, nurses and cries sometimes, but make no mistake, he is rappelling his way right into kid-town. And I'm just along for the wonderful and wild ride.

Play dates and friendships to last a lifetime

This past Thanksgiving was wonderful. We had family in town for part of the week and then went to visit with my husband’s “adopted” family for an evening. His- now OUR, “adopted” family are folks that John has known since high school. He and his best friend, Mike played soccer together, went on double dates for school dances, house boat trips and even went to the same college. Our families are intertwined- so many of our best memories involve not only Mike, but his parents, siblings and other family members and now our children. My children even call Mike “tio” and his father, “papa”. Mike’s wife is our son’s godmother. What a gift for us all to have such an extended family.

I bring this all up because I wonder who will be that family for my kids. Who will be willing to pick them up and take them to camp? Who would be willing to give them rides to tournaments and amusement parks? Who will be willing to share the load of raising them and ensuring that they are compassionate, courageous and good citizens? Who will treat them like one of their own?

C has had three play date in the last few weeks, families that are great and all completely different. I wonder if I’ll be sharing margarita’s with any of these mom’s one day as our families camp for the week.

We’ve been fortunate to have a group of families with kids of similar ages that we share a lot of adventures with. But WE, the adults, chose each other. I joke about how we really like each other but are really simply insuring a future prom date for my son, by being friends with folks who have girls! It will be interesting to see whom my son and daughter choose as friends and which ones last a life time. It has been a gift for my husband and I and one, I hope, they will have the privilege of having as well.

Childhood Obsessions

Sorry Ladies, for being so out of touch lately - started a new job that has been a shock to my family's system on many fronts - I'll blog about that later. Today I've been musing about my children's obsessions and how they have developed over the years. For my eldest, it started with anything Thomas the Train or Toy Story, then moved to dinosaurs, followed by anything Pokemon and Yu GiOh! . Lately it has anything to do with Star Wars, video games and soccer - the "three" most important things in the world to him. His obsessions have led me to do a crash course on the differences between dinosaurs, searching high and low for a train conductors hat and learning the finer points of purchasing soccer cleats. I think he is a collector at heart –even had a “dirty nail” collection, until I found it and had to quickly get rid of that one…

With my daughter, at the wise old age of 3 - going on 13, she has started briskly with anything Dora the Explorer. While, she loves anything having to do with the Little Einstein's, her latest obsession is anything with a PRINCESS! Wow, has Disney got our number!

She has a bathing suit that she loves – green with tule and sparkles (a gift from a family friend). “Very Princess-like” according to K. She LIVED in it ALL summer. I found it in the back of the closet yesterday. It’s straps were worn and it had some kind of punch or jello stain along the front. I was headed to the trash can, when K immediately saw me and asked to put it on. (It is like 55 degrees here in San Jose!) I relented, I guess that is why we have indoor heating.

So we were at church today and K needed to go to the bathroom; so what did I discover underneath her Sunday dress? You got it – the green bathing suit! Some obsessions never die.

I will miss them!

Determined

What is that quality in someone where they are so set to get what they want that nothing stands in their way? Dogged determination is a phrase that comes to mind - and then I actually think of a dog in saying that. You know how a dog can just clamp his jaw down on something and not let go? Or think of a record, with a huge scratch, and the needle just keeps hitting that same phrase over and over (and over!) again. Yes, this is in reference to my child. My way of handling it? Distraction - no, the child looks at me like, "you've got to be kidding, mom" and just continues with the request, idea, desire, etc. Sometimes I do explain the situation, and why what he NEEDS at that very moment canot happen. Oh, this child has perfected the use of "I need to", "I have to", and all other forms of that same phrase, and has become adept at repeating the phrase over and over, all while I'm trying to talk to him. Very much akin to someone clamping their hands over their ears and yelling, "I can't hear you." while you're talking. Tonight it was about story-time. (Prior to what I'm sharing I had to spend 5 minutes repeatedly carrying him back to his bed after he'd scamper out and demand that he sleep in our bed.) Now, because he was not cooperating with getting his pajamas on, he was told very clearly that the consequence was no story. He knew that is what I had stated. However, he still saw fit to ask for, and then begin demanding that he get his story, no less than 10 times. I would think the issue was put to bed, so to speak, and I'd say 'goodnight', give him a kiss and leave the room. He'd call "mommy", I'd go back in and we'd repeat the same conversation. (I didn't go in the room 10 times, but he requested his story at least 3 - 4 times per visit.) I deal with his determination in some way, shape or form each and every day. It's not like I say "no" to something and he whines, or cries, or sulks - he just comes back at me, again, and again. I guess he's determined to break me? Or he's thinking, "oh, the answer was 'no' just a minute ago, but now it might be 'yes' - I best try again." I don't give in folks - really, I don't. If there are any jobs out there that are well-suited for this skill - please let me know. Maybe it's his way of closing out his 3rd year. It's been a doozy, folks, and maybe it's going out with a bang. I'm just praying that this situation, and so many others, gets better once he's 4. But, then I'll have a whole new bag of traits, skills, & tactics that come with being 4. Someday this trait of his will serve him well, but in the meantime, I best get some rest and get ready for whatever tomorrow, and his next year of development, will bring.

At Least Paper Ballots Don’t Crash

As much as I fantasized about writing a whip-smart essay on the ballot measures and candidates and how you should vote and why, that just didn’t happen, for several reasons, but the primary one being that I’ve hardly read the paper--or anything--since my son was born. I’ve literally had my head buried in the sand.

But, I DID VOTE, after “cramming” the last few days. Yesterday, I dug the voter guide out of a ridiculously high stack of catalogs and magazines, which have also gone unread. Today, I read the local paper, but really only the Endorsement Roundup on the op-ed page. I had a brief discussion of the issues with my husband, who is very much more political than I, having worked for the Clinton administration, but who also is struggling to be on top of things this year.

Having a kid has just turned our lives upside down. That being said we went to the polls after burgers and mac-n-cheese at Mojo Burger . We thought we’d tag team Ry and this would be easy. Not so. We arrived at 7 pm and STOOD IN LINE FOR AN HOUR. Not because of the crowds of people rushing to get their last minute vote in, but because the voting machines were out of order. Although five machines were set up, only three were working and by the time we got to the front of the line, only two were working! It was sheer torture waiting our turn with a 15-month-old ready for bed. Meanwhile, we stared at the precinct across the room, zipping through their line with their five WORKING machines.

Although I found the actual act of electronic voting to be easy, intuitive, and efficient, paper ballots don’t crash and don’t require the “expert” in the room to get them up and running again. I can’t believe they didn’t even offer the choice—or back-up—of paper ballots. Before this evening, I had these grandiose notions that we’d create this voting tradition with our son going to the polls and hopefully he’d look forward to the day that he too would be able participate. Unfortunately I think that I’ll be voting absentee from now on, unless they come up with secure servers so we can vote from home online.

My Halloween History

Halloween is not my favorite holiday. When I was a kid, my mom made some great handmade outfits for my brothers and me (she was a 4-H sewing champ) and I've always been pretty crazy for sweets so it seems like I would be a fan. However, I am w-i-m-p-y about all things scary so the whole haunted side of the holiday gives me the creeps. When I do celebrate, I carve happy Jack-o-lanterns, choose cheery costumes and prefer to skip the cobwebs, tombstones and werewolf howls.

I remember being excited for the Halloween haunted house at my elementary school. The teachers warned us that once we started to go through, we had to finish. There would be no early exits; no exceptions. I stepped through the door, heard the spooky music and immediately started bawling. I cried so hard they quickly made an exception to their "no exception" policy. No more haunted houses for me. I've never watched a horror movie and could only bear to watch Michael Jackson's Thriller video with one eye open. I'm a fan of The Simpsons and I faithfully TiVo each new show, but I'm not recording this week's annual "Treehouse of Horror" episode since I can't even handle scary cartoons.

In addition to the creep factor, Halloween ranks low on my holiday list because I don't enjoy dressing up. Some people love the challenge of creating a costume, but I don't! I never come up with very good ideas and then I just fret. Will I be uncomfortable? Will I be too dressed up? Or worse, not dressed up enough? Like the year I came to work as a gardener and no one even noticed that I was in costume. Because it is so common to wear overalls, a straw hat and galoshes to the office. Nevermind that I had my hair in pigtails and a spade in my front pocket. Argh.

When we moved into our house a few years ago, I started to get a little more excited for Halloween. It is fun to hand out candy and see the neighborhood cuties all dressed up (even though the doorbell rings only about 5 times thanks to the dark, rainy October nights here in Seattle). Last year we stayed in, dressed four-month old Jeeper in Halloween themed pajamas and answered the door. No stressful creative costuming and nothing scary. My perfect "all-hallows eve."

Jeep loves dogs, so this year I got him a puppy costume and made plans with a friend to take our babes to University Village for trick-or-treating. I told myself I was doing the right thing for the photo album and then prepared for some twoodler (like tween) fits of frustration. When one of my colleagues wished Jeep "lots of fun" on Halloween I responded with the observation that Halloween isn't exactly fun for one year olds. Not that it is torture, but fun for a one year old is a familiar place (like home) and an enthusiastic audience (especially one that will clap, cheer, sing and rough-house). Fun isn't big crowds, sitting for photos, wearing a weird hood or being urged to put treats in a basket.

I was right, Jeeper didn't burst into grins or giggles at any point during our Halloween adventures. He tolerated his hood, carefully observed all the commotion and took his treat taking very seriously. But what surprised me, in addition to his good behavior, was how much fun I had! The cool autumn air, the energy of all the families, the ease of a being with a good friend and the cuteness of my son together with the sugar high from a few mini candy bars made me into one happy Halloween mama. I'm already looking forward to celebrating Halloween as a family in the future. Just as long as I don't have to wear a costume any time soon.

Happy Halloween!

Tonight was the first of many Halloween memories to come in our new home in our new neighborhood. Ry was joined by his friend Audrey and his cousin Megan (and chaperones) for a night on the town. We headed to the "best street" in the neighborhood for some serious action.

Blog Mama meets Elizabeth Edwards

Yes, that’s me in this picture with Elizabeth Edwards, yes as in the wife of former vice presidential candidate John Edwards (as a feminist with identity issues I shouldn’t be describing her that way, but I did it anyway). She’s written a book: Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers. As part of her book tour, I had the amazing chance along with 14 other bloggers from the Silicon Valley Moms Blog to sit down and talk with her last Tuesday.

For those of you who don’t know much about her, you can read her bio on the Senator’s web site, but what you won’t read here is how her oldest son died at age 17 in a no-drinking, no-drugs car crash (the wind blew his Jeep over and it burst into flames) or that she underwent fertility treatments to start a second family and her third child was born when she was age 48 and her fourth at 50! More widely known is that she was diagnosed with breast cancer the day after the general election in 2004.

She’s been on my mind quite a bit the last week, and I wrote a couple posts for the Silicon Valley Mom’s Blog that included references to our meeting: What I didn’t Ask Elizabeth Edwards and Other Random Thoughts (like how I picked my outfit that day) and Six Feet Tall and Bullet Proof (how meeting her is helping me put my role as provider/protecter into perspective). As you’ll see in these posts, I really find her to be an inspiration--as a mother, writer, career-minded women, and supportive wife--and am looking forward to reading Saving Graces.

Tea Tangent

I need to rant about tea today. Tea doesn't have much to do with being a mama except that I am a mother and I really like tea. I'm having a hard time readily find good tea and I'm ticked.

Let me clarify a few details. First of all, I like iced tea best. Fresh, crisp, clear cold tea with lots of ice -- ALL YEAR ROUND. People drink cold water, iced sodas and frozen frapp-a-doodle drinks so I don't want sassy comments about my preference for cold tea. Secondly, I like my tea UNsweetened. I don't care if other people want to add aspartame or sugar, but I believe that tea should be available in it's pure plain brewed form and additions should be optional.

Seattle is a coffee town and tea lovers are treated like second-class citizens. I'm shocked by the poor quality tea I have been served; no coffee drinker would accept coffee that is 3 days old, bitter and murky so why do restraunteurs and baristas assume that treatment is okay for a tea customer?! And enough with "fountain tea." That stuff is NOT tea - it is nasty yuck and should be banned. Again, would you drink your coffee from a spout on the coke machine? Noooo, I didn't think so.

Good tea is pretty easy. Take some decent tea leaves and cover them with really hot water. Serve as is or cool slowly and add ice. The end. Not difficult. At work I often buy fountain cups filled with ice and pour my own brewed tea over the ice to make delicious, fresh iced tea. But I shouldn't have to carry my own tea bags as I go about town! Starbucks offers an iced black tea all year round, but when I order it, I have to specify no syrup (which of course I do) and more than once I've taken a big slurp a few miles from the drive-through only to taste the tell-tale slickery sweetness of sugary syrup. Ugh.

When in Chicago for work recently, I fell in love with ArgoTea, a local tea cafe that is hoping to become the "Starbucks of Tea". I'm thinking of writing them a letter about opening in Seattle - maybe I'll promise them I'll run their first store here. Until then, I'll keep scouting out places that offer a decent glass of iced tea. And I think I'll tuck some tea bags in my purse… just in case!

The Great Orator

As many of you have heard before my son, C, is in the second grade. He is a great kid. He is kind, a good friend to many other boys and great soccer player. Geez, I’m mom-gushing! Anyway, at school he is taking a public speaking class. He is a shy boy in many ways, so this class has been awesome for him. (I remember him crying at the pre-school circle time, when his teacher asked his name.) He now has no problem speaking in front of his peers and he is quite the orator! He’s done speeches on his favorite family tradition, his hero and his favorite toy – stuff he can talk hours about.

This week’s speech is on his “greatest accomplishment”. As his mom and #1 fan, I can name a million, like the time he stood up for his best friend, when other kids were being mean or the time he got moved up a grade because he was such a good reader or the time he scored his first soccer goal….of course, I could go on and on. But in preparing for this particular speech, he, of course, could not think of one thing that he was most proud of.

Maybe I am just over analyzing this, but a ton of “experts” say that some of the most important things we can teach our kids are “self-worth and thinking critically”. What does this really look like? Having your child be able to discern how great he is- Without the benefit of looking through mom’s “rose-colored” glasses? How do we instill a sense of positive identity in second graders? I used to work at this great non-profit that talked a lot about positive child development. http://www.projectcornerstone.org/html/assets/index.htm I led parent groups and workshops about this exact topic, but it is always different when they are YOUR kids, right? Well no it isn’t but, it is different when the issue confronts you at home at the kitchen table. I guess you take the knowledge you’ve learned and put on your best mommy hat and then do your best.

C is set to talk about his greatest accomplishment this Friday. He threw ALL my great ideas aside and decided that his greatest accomplishment was winning a board game a few weeks ago. Our family played a game, boys against girls, and my husband and C won! (Easy considering, my partner is 3 year old!:) Just kidding.) Despite all my worries, I’m proud that he chose something that was a family tradition and that he found joy in something I had already even forgotten about. What a great reminder that it IS those small things and the random moments that mean the world to our children!

It's beginning to sound alot like...the holidays!

Can you feel it? The holidays are right around the corner…Halloween, Christmas, and my personal favorite, Thanksgiving. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I LOVE the idea of giving gifts, but hate how commercial it is and how much it costs me in the end. I have only great memories of going door to door collecting candy from my neighbors at Halloween, I HATE that costumes today can cost a fortune and that now I am a MOM that has to worry about my kids actually eating ALL that candy.

Regardless, Halloween is here and we finally decorated our front porch. This week after much badgering from the kids, I broke down and pulled out the decorations. I forget how much fun it is each year. We hung ghosts from the trees and put three huge pumpkins out front. The kids tried on the old costumes and put the pretzels, mini toys and of course, candy, we bought in a big bowl.

One thing I love about our neighborhood is that there are a lot of kids on our street. So with ours being the first decorated house on the street, we had kids from all over stopping to check it out. We had parents cruise by with the “Darn, I guess it’s our turn to pull out the old bins of decorations next” look. Being the newest family on the block, we had folks stop by and tell us tales of the Halloween’s past on the street.

In our old neighborhood, we had years where we had 2-4 sets of kids stop by. For a while, I thought everyone had abandoned the Halloween of my youth and headed for the mall. It was a huge disappointment for us with 4 bags of chocolate ready to be handed out by an excited pre-schooler and mommy! Thank goodness, I only buy candy I like to eat.

Our new neighbors tell us that several of our neighbors go all out with their Halloween displays and that we have scores of kids so that we better prepare at least 200 pieces of candy. As expensive as that sounds – this is the reason we moved to this over priced Silicon Valley neighborhood – kids galore and families ready to join in on the fun. Idyllic sounding, picture perfect, worth the effort – a lot of trips to the door. You bet! We can’t wait! Bring on the Holidays!

The Sippy Cup of My Dreams

Okay, so there is a ton of baby gear out there and some I like, some I love and lots I could do without. But lately I've been dreaming of a couple of things that, as far as I can tell, do not yet exist. So I'm calling all savvy parents and/or you inventor types to help me get my hands on two imaginary items.

The perfect bib
I believe that infants and toddlers learn a lot from food. The journey from tray/plate/bowl to mouth is an educational one that develops the mind and many motor skills in addition to the palate. But it is also one of the messiest adventures ever! And most bibs are not up to the challenge. The perfect bib must be:

Big enough to cover the mess. I'm not sure I want long sleeves, but I'm tired of gaping neck holes and barely-to-the-bellybutton coverage. If I have to change his clothes after he eats, then why am I bothering with the bib?

Repellent or at least resistant to liquid. Many bibs keep chunks of food at bay, but still allow liquid to soak through. Those bibs may save me a few stain-fighting seconds, but I still have to spend way too many minutes changing his clothes and washing the wet ones! Not good enough.

Easy to wash and dry. Although I might consider one that rinses under the tap, the perfect bib can be tossed in the washer and dryer (and still repel liquids). Another feature that is affected by wash-ability is the bib closure. Velcro can be quick, but it doesn't hold up very well in the wash so I would prefer a button, snap or tie closure.

Small, light and hip. Babies eat everywhere so a bib needs to be portable and packable. And a cartoon character print or cutesy-cute won't do. The perfect bib works well and looks cool.

The perfect cup
Sippy cups have saved the sanity of many parents. At my son's Montessori daycare, they teach the babies to drink from tiny tumblers which is so adorable and very amazing but the reality is sometimes a kid needs to drink on the road. So the sippy cup of my dreams would:

Be easy to drink from but not leak! Okay, so I learned the difference between sippy and tippy and Jeeper has the sippy kind so they shouldn't leak, right? Wrong! Even if they don't leak out of the spout, they leak out of the screw-on top. I'm tired of wet seats, laps and diaper bags. Argh!

Not have a handle, but still be easy to hold. I especially loathe the kind with the removable handle because it is one more thing to lose. But there should be some shape or curve that makes it easy for little fingers to grip.

Keep the drink tasting good. This is my hugest gripe. Grab your little one's sippy and take a good long swig. You'll join my revolution! That foul, plastic taste does not seem healthy.

Now that you know how I spend my spare moments imagining improvements to baby gear, I'm hoping someone out there has recommendations that will make my dreams come true!

Grocery Store Challenged

Since we're on the topic of money, I thought I'd share one of my challenges with spending more than necessary - at the grocery store. Whenever I read something like "Top 10 Tips for Saving Cash" in a magazine, always included is the advice to make a list when going to the store. I make the list. In fact I usually have to make lists three times a week. I seem to be grocery store challenged. Even with the list, I still end up needing to go back to the store 3 or more times a week! This can't be good for the budget. You know the saying, 'I can't get out of Target without spending less than $100', well for me it's the grocery store, and each little trip seems to be at least $50. Not only is there the money I spend in the store, but the time and gas used to go back to the store each time. Now, part of the challenge is that we have a goal these days of eating lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. To achieve this goal, I also spend some time at the local farmers market, too, but fresh fruit and veggies only stay fresh so long. Inevitably another store trip is needed to get the next 3 day supply. I've tried the weekly menu thing, but our schedule seems to be a bit up in the air each week. The times when I do a BIG shopping trip with absolutely everything we'd need for 7 days worth of meals, plans end up changing, we don't eat at our own home (or my husband has a business dinner) and food goes to waste. I think the only thing that bugs me more than making too many grocery store runs and overspending is wasting food.

I don't really have a resolution for my challenge at this point. I did just read about buying home supplies on Amazon . . . I don't even know yet what they offer (but I've heard diapers are available - cheap, too) but I think I'll check it out. If I can keep my grocery store runs down to 2 a week and then maybe get most of my Target-like purchases online, I'll save gas money for sure. (And because we're Amazon Prime members, we should get free shipping on our orders.) Well, I'll have to post an update on all this in a week or so. If anyone has any other cost cutting ideas, please feel free to send them my way. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to get to the grocery store. I'm trying not to freak-out since I was just there . . . . yesterday.

My Bipolar Relationship with Money

The Silicon Valley Moms Blog, hosted "Money Thursday" yesterday. Here's a "reprint" of my post there.

I’ve always had a complex relationship with money. I spent the first six years of my life in Los Altos Hills (very affluent Silicon Valley Neighborhood). Then we moved to a remote Idaho ranch outside a town with a population of 450 (yes, four hundred and fifty) and my parents built a 10,000 square foot house. I was the “rich girl” whose peers often asked, “Is it true you have twenty telephones and an indoor swimming pool?” At school, most kids qualified for free or subsidized lunch tickets—I was odd because I paid full price. Most parents were loggers or cowboys or were supported entirely by welfare. I spent my entire adolescence being ashamed of money. I wanted to be like everyone else.

That wish came true my senior year of high school. My parents declared bankruptcy and I too, qualified for free lunch tickets. That gave me some level of sick satisfaction. Their bankruptcy also helped me quality for a huge financial aid package at Pepperdine University, which brought me to Malibu, and a complete role reversal. I wore Wranglers and drove a Ford Festiva while my suitemates wore designer jeans and cruised around in BMWs. I was now the charity case. Being accustomed to a life of not having to do without, and the fact that my parents had no money to help me through school, I graduated with $20,000 in credit card debt. It took me hundreds of tuna sandwiches, four years, and an arrangement with consumer credit counseling to pay it off, which wasn’t easy on my first salaried job.

So, ten years later, what have I learned? That I still have a bipolar relationship with money. I probably spend more than I should. Yet, sometimes, I find myself embarrassed to have what I have (a decent home in Silicon Valley with an SUV parked in front). I have a lot of excess compared to most people in the world, but compared to my zip code, I’m likely near the bottom rung. I’m not really envious of anyone with more money than I. I know from my childhood that having excess money has it’s own set of responsibilities and headaches. And, most everyone has problems, if not financial, then perhaps something worse, like health concerns or estranged relationships.

I’m blessed to have a wonderful husband who is healthier with money than I. We also have a kid not only to support, but to also set an example for—I don’t want him to learn the hard way like I did. So I guess I still need to spend some time clearing the skeletons from my wallet.

Checking, Savings, Trade School, Taxes

Although Jeep is only 15 months old, he receives an allowance. He has been getting a weekly allowance since two pink stripes displayed on a certain plastic stick. It isn’t that he has a trust fund or inheritance or that we have buckets of money – I just knew it would be a good idea to start a healthy money habit early.

Jeeper gets one dollar a week. In quarters. I put one quarter in each of the antique Bell jars that I bought when I was pregnant. The quarters aren’t for decoration although they do sparkle in their glass banks. I use quarters because it makes the math easier. You see, I distribute his allowance into four accounts: Checking, Savings, Trade School and Taxes. The money is for Jeep – and it is his to spend – within the boundaries of each account.

Checking is the NOW money. The “gum in the checkout line” or “poorly-made, over-priced toy in the gift shop” money. As soon as Jeeper’s brain can handle the logic of demand and supply, he can spend the money in his checking account as quickly or slowly as he likes. But he will also learn that Mama and Daddy won’t buy the gum or the toy for him (I can’t guarantee that Grandma/Grandpa or Nana/Papa will follow suit) so he will have to make his own choices and live with them.

Savings is the PRETTY SOON money. I don’t know yet if little Jeep will have a “burning a hole in my pocket” or a “miserly moneybags” mindset. Either way, to spend the money from the savings account he will need to check in with an advisor to get the purchase approved. The advisor’s role isn’t to talk him into or out of a purchase, but to be a touch point that reminds him of what he truly wants and values. Hopefully the savings account will produce many coveted toys and treasures while also teaching the sweet, sweet satisfaction of delayed gratification.

The Trade School account’s purpose is to make a dent in a future EDUCATIONAL endeavor. 25 cents a week won’t pay for books so we plan to supplement this account as we are able. Most likely and somewhat hopefully the future beneficiary of these funds will be the undergraduate tuition bill from a college or university. But the money is Jeeper’s to use for culinary school or a welding certification program or art school or an ESL certificate program in Spain or six years of community college courses or a PhD or whatever he chooses to pursue.

Earlier I wrote that Jeep’s allowance is for him and that he gets to spend it but that isn’t the whole truth because he has a jar for TAXES. We aren’t handing the fourth quarter over to Uncle Sam. The money in the final jar will be spent by our family (with Jeeper’s equal input) to benefit our home and our community. Family activities can be funded from this account (although repeated trips to Disneyland will be excluded) as are charitable contributions. One small way to remind him that with money comes a responsibility beyond yourself.

As Jeep gets older, I plan to increase his allowance to match his age. One dollar a week for each year lived, with ¼ still deposited into each account. The idea isn’t to fund Harvard tuition or pay for his first car, but to help him develop healthy spending and savings habits while fostering independence and freedom. One shiny quarter at a time.

Kitchen Bitch or Sexpot?

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve blogged, it’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, it’s just that it’s hard to sit at the computer when you’re still looking for basics, like toothpaste and clean underwear. Not only is moving a bitch, but also it’s also turning me into one. I told D just the other night that stay-home moms should be called “house bitches” because that’s exactly how I feel—bitchy. Now everyone throw your flipping appalled comments my way. And if you want to get really fired up, read Details Magazine's, Sexpots in the Kitchen, which I came across today in the chiropractor's office with the following tagline on the cover: "Why women should stay in the Kitchen."

Anyway, moving on to something more reverent:

In the spirit of CrissCreek’s recent post Toy’s Aren’t Us, Po Bronson’s essay in Time, on Baby Einstein v. Barbie was rather enlightening to me on what most of America is like outside of my life in Silicon Valley. I like his term, “Supermom lit” and the fact that he’s calling it out. I’m realizing what a sucker I am for the next hot title marketed especially to me—a generation-X-yuppie-mom who “consults,” paid way to much for a fixer-upper in San Jose, and owns every Baby Einstein DVD (it was a gift, though).

Speaking of my house… I’ve been over to the condo a couple times this week and I find myself missing it. It was so much easier to clean, it was warmer, cozier, and we made a ton of memories there. Would I be the craziest person in the world to move back??? Maybe I need to have a detachment ceremony so that the universe will send someone new to love it. If you have any suggestions on that front let me know. One cool thing that happened is that I pitched “our story” to Mercury News Reporter Sue McAllister and she posted it on her real estate blog. Gotta love blogs.

For the love of Money and Star Wars...

We have been working on teaching my kids the value of money; pretty hard sometimes in this day and age. Often times, when we are talking about something that the kids want – like McDonald’s or a new toy, the kids beg and plea. My typical response has been, “We can’t, we don’t have any money for that.” The smarties that they are, they’ve come up with a new response, “Yes, we we have money mama – we can use the credit card.” Aah!, if it were just that easy. I’d use that logic every time I cruise by a shoe store!

Regardless, we have instituted many measures to address money – allowances, piggy banks, paid chores…with more regularity and as the kids grow older I am hoping these will work to show my kids there is no limitless credit card at our household.

This weekend, my son, showed J and I, that we have made some strides. My son LOVES anything Star Wars, Legos and video games. This week the Star Wars 2 Legos video game came out. Last year for his birthday we bought him Version One. I used to think he was too little for games, so thought the Legos version would be a good compromise from the ones geared towards teens and adults. I had no idea how much he and J would love them. (Yes, I was SO naïve.) Actually, I am not sure who enjoyed the game more, J or my son.

Anyway, so C saw the ‘Coming soon” ad and of course, anxiously awaited the date. The moment it came out, J and C, looked on line to find the best deal. They found it at Target. C immediately went to his piggy bank and counted out the $30.00 he would need to bring Darth Vader home. It was mostly quarters, so they neatly put it all in plastic baggies. So all week, C looked forward to Friday – the BIG day! (I didn’t make the trek, but J relayed this experience – like the proud daddy that he was.)

They get to Target, they head to the video games section and find that it is one of the few remaining – whew! The store is about to close, so they hurry to the register. The cashier was a young man, who must have remembered his first time buying a game or a toy, so he kindly referred to C as “sir” and treated him with the respect any “official paying customer” should expect. C, of course, did not know whom the cashier was referring to when was called, “sir”. The cashier told him the amount due and took his baggie of quarters and said, “Thank you Sir, hope you enjoy your purchase and have a good evening.” C, sheepishly said, “Thank you and I will!” C and J ran home and immediately loaded it on the computer. Haven’t seen them for hours!

C’s piggy bank is a whole lot lighter. He has already asked about what chores he can do to earn more money. But he gets that you have to earn it or at least save money to get what you want – score one for mom and dad!

On another note:
I also thank the universe for the cashier, who was kind and respectful to my child! This was one of those moments he’ll always remember. Target probably has earned a lifelong loyal customer in C.

Tradeoffs

Our son has had some breakthroughs as of late - in the area of reading. It's an interesting thing to watch since we don't really work with him in any way. He will be 4 in December and he's reading. Not alot, but groups of small words here and there. People are quite astonished when they see him read something. I'm mostly intrigued since he does it all on his own. And while I do think it's wonderful and I'm really happy for him, I see it as a developmental piece and there are some, well, tradeoffs.

He's not potty trained - at all. Again, the age of 4 is approaching and it's kind of freaking me out.

He has absolutely no interest in using the potty and is perfectly content to use his pull-ups and not change a thing (except when he needs to be changed, of course.). We've tried the potty thing - a few times. We even bribed him with candy, which seemed to work for a while, and then he just decided getting candy wasn't worth using the potty anymore. As Dr. Phil would say, I guess it's not his 'currency'. Man, I'd really like to know what his 'currency' is. We had even hoped when he attended preschool 2 mornings a week last year, that he would watch the other kids 'go' and be inspired to learn. No such luck.

Wise folks who have been through the parenting mill tell me that he will just be ready some day, and everything will click - the desire, the mechanics of it all, and the willingness to be in a different place developmentally. I even tried to combine his love of reading/being read to with sitting on the potty, but again, it was fun at first, and then he just lost intrest/desire. Now when we try to talk with him about it or encourage him to use his potty, he just starts to melt down. He's not ready. (Big sigh from mom)

My mom stiffles her laughs about it all because . . . . . she remembers. Apparently I was the exact same way. It goes against all the conventional potty-training wisdom - I am a girl after all, and girls are supposed to be 'easy' to train. I was not. In fact, my mom says I was 4 when it all finally came together for me. Because I had two younger sisters, one who was 3 when I was 4, and the other who was almost 2 (my poor mother!), we all ended up being potty trained at about the same time.

If I had the time, training and lots of money, I'd love to do research on the brain and specifically learn how we learn. Are certain things already hard-wired, or do some folks find certain tasks, like reading, very natural, but other things, like new motor skills and developmental items to be more challenging? (We have faced some similar hurdles with teaching him to dress himself). Hmmmm . . this could be, as he was a 'late' walker as well. When he did walk, it just all clicked one day and he went from being an expert crawler to a walker. I don't think he fell even once. That is an interesting piece of it as well, because it's not like he doesn't do the physically developmental tasks well, he just waits until he's ready, and then does it fine. It's almost as if he wants to have a mastery over the new skill from the get-go.

So, I guess we're in a bit of a waiting game with him. Let me tell you, you'll know when that day comes for me. I"ll just write a post, "Hallelujah, HE DID IT!", and you'll know what it's all about. If he follows in his 'way' with learning new skills, he'll be an expert potty-user. In the meantime, I'll appreciate his intrest in reading and just love him for where he's at today.

Bedtime Rituals

We have always had a family bed – that is, my kids have always slept with us when they were infants and toddlers. Whether you agree with it or not, it has worked like a champ at our house and I am sad to say this era is just about over…

When we were pregnant with our first, we looked all over the world for the “right” crib and then scoured all of San Jose for a mattress with just enough springs for his precious baby back. Of course after all that work, he slept in his crib once or twice– and never through the night. I admit it was partly because I was too damn tired to get out of bed and feed him, partly because I am not good at anything or conscious at 3 a.m. and partly because of his perfect new baby smell that we succumbed to sharing our bed with this little 10 pound wonder. When Caden was born we lived in this tiny apartment with a full size bed and somehow it worked. My poor husband had this small corner of the bed, while we stretched out – but hey, I had to go through labor and breastfeeding – this was the least he could do I rationalized.

Caden slept with us until I got pregnant with his sister (he was 3) and I just got too big. Despite his protests, Caden moved to his own bed and Kiley moved in. It wasn’t easy to coax him into his own big boy bed, especially after he met his replacement, but we did it! We didn't even boter putting the crib up for our daughter, we knew it was going to be useless.

With Kiley, it has been a total of 6 years of sleeping with at least one child in the bed – sometimes two. Yikes! Where does the time go? We thought it would be a few months tops. Says a lot about why don’t have three or four children, huh!

This past week Kiley has slept in her own bed. She and Caden share bunk beds, so her transition has been a snap. I admit that we did bribe her with a “Diego’s Treehouse”, (Dora the Explorer’s cousin for those of you who don’t know) for five days of sleeping on her own and she has done it with flying colors. I’m so proud of her!

So our bed has been a kid free zone for 7 days now. On one hand, it’s been great, no little feet in my back, no little hands smacking me in the head and (I know this sounds gross) no “accidents” greeting us in the morning. But I have to admit, I’ve missed Kiley’s snoring, her hugging my arm while I sleep and her squishy tummy and angelic smiles when she is having a great dream.

Our new bedtime ritual utilizes the ex-family bed in a new way, a wrestling ring. No matter what anyone is doing or wherever they are in the house, when Caden calls, “Last one in bed is rotten loser!” at around 8:30 p.m. we all come running in hoping not to be last one in for that poor individual is promptly dog-piled upon and tickled. It has been so fun and the kids look forward to it.

I miss their cuddly, sweet smelling baby selves in my bed, but wrestling and laughing together sure has been a nice replacement. I have the bruises to prove it.

Hope

Five years.

No, it can't be . . .has it been that long since it happened? Wow.

I was really taken by surprise a few weeks ago when I began to see the references to this year's 9/11 anniversary. I knew it had been a while, but if someone had asked me how long ago it took place, my initial thought would be, two maybe three years ago . . .? It was so other and defining that it inhabits a very recent place in my mind. The only other event that has affected me as much was the Northridge Earthquake of 1994. Incredibly scary, but so different. One was an act of nature, and what took place on 9/11 was concocted, planned and carried out by men. Not just done by man, but specifically planned to target fellow man, and to bring about tremendous amounts of pain and suffering.

Five years ago today, I was actually sleeping-in. I had recently quit my job in hopes that we would be able to conceive a child. (Quiting the job would be a good stress-reducer). My sister's phone call was my alarm clock and after her inital hello the first thing she said to me was, "are you watching TV?". I was instantly shocked, horrified and completely saddened by the image on the screen. It's the one we probably all have etched in our brains - both towers have back smoke pouring out of them and a good portion of NYC is being engulfed by those ominous clouds. We had been attacked.

My adult mind had never even conceived that I would be reacting to an attack of that magnitude on American soil. In the midst of my grief, sadness and terror I immediately thought of Pearl Harbor. Then the rest of the day is blur of watching the news, understanding the full scale of what had been planned, and figuring out what to do next. Many phone calls were made to family and friends, just to touch base and hear the voice of loved ones.

My role as a mother had not even begun. In fact, in the weeks after it all happened I considered what kind of a world would a little one be brought into. Should I even consider having children if this type of thing (and worse) is what they might be facing? As it all happened, I did have the privilege of becoming a mom, and my little guy was brought into this world in the mid-morning hours of December 19, 2002. Even though 9/11/01 was the tremendous tragedy it was, hope was not extinguished. Not only did I have a child, but it is speculated that a bit of a baby boom happened in the months after. My son is actually part of a wave of children that were conceived within the 6 months after it happened. I also remember reading something about more folks deciding to tie the knot as well.

I'm sure my son's generation will face some sort of national tragedy in his lifetime - man-made or otherwise. The implication of "Never Forget" can be profound. Not only to never forget what happened, but that we will never forget how we handled the situation, and that, ultimately, hope prevailed. We faced, and continue to face, an enemy in terrorism that can strike at any time, any place and with civilians as the target. In light of the continued threat, we continue to live, to plan, to have faith in God, to dream and to hope. The legacy to our children will be that we continued to raise the next generation and to prepare them for whatever the future might hold.

Earth Angel

Ode to a Mother's Helper

One of the brightest ideas I had all summer

was to call 'Moe (Jeep's name for her) and ask her

to become an honorary family member

She gains babysitting experience with mom around

(plus $3.50 an hour)

and I get extra hands and help with

shopping trips and summer concerts

Once a week under her care

all the board books return to the shelf

the tupperware to the cupboard

and the toys to their baskets

Baby boy giggles erupt from the living room

while I put dinner on the table

Stories of sixth grade entertain us and

our wacky family antics amuse her in return

Oh happy day

today is Thursday

and Casi's on her way!

Car shopping with children

My husband is car shopping. He has decided that since it will be the car he’ll have for the next ten years it better be good. My husband, the forever wannabe surfer, has decided that he needs a car that says something about his “style”. I love this man and have known him for over 14 years and to this day I’m not quite sure he’d even had a “style”.

Regardless, me, J and the 2 kids have hit the car lots this weekend with a vengeance determined to find a family friendly car that has some style. J has ruled out mini-vans, despite all my begging, because “no self respecting man should be seen driving a mini-van”. We’ve also ruled out all uber–large SUVs – no Esclades or Expeditions. No Camrys or Accords because of J’s style issues – heck, who cares about reliability when you can look cool??

I think we may have settled on a Toyota FJ Cruiser. Our cheesy and absolutely out of touch sales associate sold us on how cool it was that it was so "industrial" - after all we could simply hose out the back after one of our many hunting excursions. The doors were fairly water tight so that when we were crossing rivers, we'd be safe. Yes, that's us the "hunting family"! Not! Hunting to us is going to a Farmer's market rather than our local grocery. Geez. This car is so unpractical - but it is better than the convertibles J has his heart set on.

Blog Mamas is typically focused on mommas and our trials and tribulations, but I thought our car shopping experience were pertinent because I forget that men have many of the same challenges in balancing their self image with what the rest of the world thinks of daddies.

I struggle on a daily basis figuring out how to maintain some kinda career, yet work part-time or at home. I balance soccer schedule and worry about whether we chose the right schools and yikes, is the Tiger Cubs ice cream social tonight? I drive kids to karate lessons and have conversations with girlfriend about how we can have it all – great part-time careers, fantastic kids and excitingly romantic rendevous with our partners. I know that I come from a privilege – not only from other women, but from many men too.

J, just doesn’t get the luxury of debating part time or not. He being an engineer and recent MBA will always make more money than me – a non-profit fundraiser. He really couldn’t handle volunteering for the school rummage sale and unfortunately, I don’t think he and his friends have conversations about how being a daddy changes you and how it should change your car choices. Don’t get me wrong, J is a wonderful father and husband. He is the first to go without to ensure that our kids keep wearing soccer cleats and me in highlights. So if purchasing a car helps him process those issues of wanting to be a cool hip dad that rolls up to baseball practice in a cool car and not a boring sedan, then so be it. I guess we mourn our “past images of our self” and our “twisted memories” of what life used to be like pre-kids in our own ways. I fantasize about the jeans I used to be able to wear.

Were we really that cool pre-Baby Bjorn? If we didn't have kids right now would we be climbing the Rubicon Trail or crossing river beds in our cool car? I don’t think so… but I guess we can pretend to with car seats in the back.

Thoughts on Tipping this Labor Day

I’m--what I think--a good tipper. I consistently tip 20%--to the hairdresser, at the nail salon, and even more at restaurants, if we leave a significant mess behind (which is often the case with Ry) and the waiter doesn’t give us a dirty look.

But I’m realizing that THIS IS GETTING ME NOWHERE. I don’t get better service from being a good tipper. My last two hairdressers have both canceled on me three times each in the last six months, despite me consistently tipping 20%, which is a hefty sum, considering I’m paying for a cut and highlight. I know other clients aren’t tipping the same. My sister was shocked to find out how much I tip. And she goes to the same hairdresser and has never been canceled on.

The first inkling I had to leave my former hairdresser of five years was when I arrived 10 minutes late for an appointment and she freaked out because her next client, a male lawyer, was really uptight about punctuality. She was pretty catty with me about it, which surprised me, since over the course of a year, she made roughly $450 a year in services from him and more than $1000 off me in services and another $200 in tips! So tell me, who is the more valuable client? (omigod, that’s the first time I’ve added that up SCARY.) So when she canceled on me so she could go to her sister’s graduation and then rescheduled a week later (the day before I was to leave for my nephew’s wedding) and canceled again because she had strep throat, I finally decided to break up. I don’t expect her to work when she’s sick, but I do expect her to plan her calendar better.

So what’s the deal? Is tipping taken for granted? Am I under tipping??? Has the protocol gone up to 25 or 30% and no one has told me? Or does being a good tipper make me such a sucker that they think, “Oh she’s so nice, she won’t mind if I reschedule.” I also think that here in Silicon Valley where there’s a lot of money floating around people tip well just because they don’t want to be seen as (or acquire a reputation of) being cheap.

This topic has especially been rubbing me, ever since D returned from Japan. He’s been raving about the service he received there where it’s against custom to tip—it’s considered an insult since they take pride in their work and that’s sufficient. I also noticed that when we were in Glacier, most of the workers were foreign. Why? Because the local Montana kids don’t want those jobs and if they do have them, they provide sucky service.

I can’t help but to reflect back to when I waited tables, and I busted my ass. It helped that I lived in a small town and I was on a first-name basis with pretty much everyone who came through the door, but I only made $3.25 per hour and I lived off my tips, which averaged $30-$50 a shift which was pretty darn good considering that was in Idaho in the early 90s and people only tipped 10%, if that. So that’s why I’m good tipper (I know how hard the service jobs can be) but it just seems like today’s workers don’t merit it. Are we living in the age of entitlement? Or is this some skewed perspective I have?

With this ring...

Since it’s my wedding anniversary tomorrow and I’m feeling a little guilty about my last post, here’s something a little sentimental...

One day while on our vacation (well, er…trip) to GNP, the three of us got away and drove to the East side of the Park for lunch and pie. I waited at our table while D took Ry for a stroll on the porch. I sat there watching them, reflecting on all the changes that had taken place in our lives since the last time we were in the same place a couple of years prior. As many times as I’ve thought about running away from my life in the past year, there was enough quiet joy in that moment to make up for those. Watching the two of them together, reminded me of all the reasons why I married this man and how much I’m looking forward to returning to this place year after year with my family.

My musings didn’t go unnoticed. When I went up to the register to pay, a waitress--not our waitress, but another--said to me, “I really enjoyed watching you watch your husband with your son. You had so much love in your eyes.” I was really taken aback that she not only noticed, but also said something to me about it. It's sad how a stranger had to remind me how much I really do love my little family. With how fast our lives are back in Silicon Valley, those quiet and reflective moments are few and far between.

“Back to School with Starbucks”

Aaah! The frenzy of back to school preparation! I LOVE it! Okay, not really, but I keep thinking that if I say it enough times I’ll actually believe it one day. The summer always seems too short and I’m always left thinking what did we actually do?? The answer - a week here, a couple of long weekends there and a barrage of weeklong summer camps in between. As a mom of two, “Back to School” time comes with a little bit of relief that we made it through the summer in one piece and that the school year routine is right around the corner. On the other hand, it also brings a whole new set of anxiety and its own little mysteries. But I’ve come to the realization that caffeine is what has made it bearable this year. Yes, I admit to my addiction.

When it comes to school shopping, when is early enough?? I thought I’d be ahead of the game and shop for school supplies early and buy school uniforms before all the super eager incoming Kindergarten parents. The first week in August seemed to be a great time to start. I started the morning with my usual cinnamon latte from my neighborhood Starbucks. I head to Target to purchase the downloaded list of second grade school supplies. We arm wrestle a small child for the last Bat Man lunch box with thermos, whew! One hurdle passed – 21 more items to go. I get most things except the 3 Pee Chee folders. They still make peechee folders?? Is it me or are they everywhere when you don’t need one. Four stores and 2 mochas later, I decide plain folders will have to do.

I get to MerriMart, the uniform mecca of San Jose, and find that they are already out of polo shirts with the school logo. Rats! I have to special order them – wait 3 weeks! “You’re lucky you’re ‘early’,” says the chipper clerk. I think to myself gloomily, if I was really early then I wouldn’t be “special ordering” now would I? Back to have a double cappuccino.

Iced Chai in hand, I head off the following week to buy soccer cleats for the season’s first practice – didn’t we just buy a pair? Geez, when do their feet stop growing? You don’t have size 3 you say? – well, I bet they run small, let’s go with 3 ½. Two pairs of socks is not a bad thing. On the other hand, the Cub Scouts store actually had a shirt that fit – hoorah! My luck is turning – let’s have a caramel frappuccino to celebrate!

Can't wait for school to start! I need a vacation!

Children Behaving Badly

*Note: I am writing this post from our vacation in an internet cafe. We're having a great time! Please excuse any of the spelling errors and lousy punctuation you many come accross - thanks!

We live in a day and age when parents now take their kids everywhere - even to places that were once considered adult only public venues (the one that comes to mind most readily are high-end dinning establishments). Kids, of all ages, are now found at concerts, resturaunts, movie theaters (at times, inappropriately), etc. And apparently this is not appreciated by all. There is an article in the September '06 issue of Parents magazine (www.parents.com), titled "Baby Backlash", which describes apparently two different cultural ideals, clashing. Some thinking that children belong in a certain time, place and at a very low voulme only, thank you very much - and the other choosing to have their children participate with them fully in whatever thing or event they are attending. The article specifically refers to certain resturaunts putting up signs asking parents to have their children behave appropriately. (As a fellow diner, I actually appreciate this) As a mom, and just as a person, I value children and don't understand the antiquated thought that children should be seen and not heard. Beyond that, I see children as deserving as much respect and consideration as adults - they are fully human. (Unlike the a quote I heard recently in regards to an 8-yr-old being "almost a real person" - not intended as a put down, but just as a way of noticing how big the child was getting). So my question after I read the article is: Is it really a backlash against children as a whole, or just poorly behaved ones? (And I say this as a mom who has definitely had her share of a poorly behaved child in public)

Ok, bearing all this in mind, I will share of a recent experience while being on vacation. My spouse and I had the opportunity to hire a babysitter - while on vacation - and went out to breakfast. The area we are vacationing in is a very small beach town on the Central Coast of California. The resturaunt consists mainly of an outdoor eating patio, which is shared by a public walkway and general hangout area. In fact, we've been there before with our son, and there are big cement slabs that kids just love to run around and jump off of - nobody really minds that part - it's a shared area - and the slabs aren't right next to the dinning tables. So, we are eating our breakfast and a family shows up with two kids - a boy of about 4 (maybe 5) and an almost 2 yr old girl, and the mom and grandma proceed to sit down on the patio, and the kids run off to play on the cement slabs. However, the boy proceeds to get up on one of the slabs, using it as a stage, and begins to sing a song he knows- very loudly. His singing goes on for about 10 minutes (the same song over and over), and in the span of this time, the other diners are making comments to themselves about the volume of the singing and how it's affecting their dinning experience. A waitress even walks by and loudly makes a comment in earshot of the mom about how this isn't the place for a 'show'. So, the child continues to sing and the mom then gets his attention - and I'm thinking "ok, she's going to ask him to stop, or something." Not exactly. She tells him to pick a different song. "Sing a different song?! How about stop singing, or be a little more quiet?" - that's what I was thinking. And in the midst of it all I reflected that this very thing could be the reason there is somewhat of a "Baby - or more specifically, Child - Backlash". One of the things we do try to teach our child is respect for others and thinking about how our actions could affect others. On many occasions - in public - I've had to take the litle guy aside to ask him to speak more quietly, or to change what he was doing so that it wouldn't negatively affect someone else. He's not the center of the universe, and there are activities and voice volumes that work in one's backyard, but not in other places.

Now, having shared all that . . . . . I will share a time when my son behaved very inappropriately in a resturaunt. We were eating at a family friendly establishment -the kind where you order at the counter, get a number, and the tray of food is delivered to your table. My son was about 2 & 1/2 at the time. We were sitting in a booth with a very high partition between ours and the other booth. A man, woman and two kids sat down at the booth opposite ours (over the partition). I don't know if it helps that I include this part, but I will - the man (dad?) was very rude and snobby to begin with. So they get their food, and we get ours and the meals are progressing along very normally (or as normally as meals do when you are dinning with small children), and my son grabs his napkin, crushes it into a ball - and proceeds to launch it over the partition, where it lands- on the dad's plate! At that very moment I had two compltely different reactions - I was simultaneously laughing and then trying VERY hard to stop laughing so I could let my son know that wasn't OK, and then go and apologize to the man. Maybe a better mom wouldn't have laughed, but I did. And I wholehartedly aplogized to the man, but being the jerkish snob that he was, he didn't even say a word to me. I just received an evil glare - all while his angelic children ate their meals without incident. (I still find myself laughing about this one).

So, where do I come to with all this? Children are definitely a 'work-in-progress', they have not assimilated and mastered all the social graces that most adults have. (And I say 'most adults' - many adults find it perfectly ok to engage in behavior in public that shows complete disgregard for others.) I don't think the answer to our 'delimma' (is there one?) is to have the kids stay home all the time. There has to be some degee of grace and understanding of where the kids are at - they're kids, so they are going to act like kids. But, at the same time, the parents do bear some responsibility to step in and take action in situations where the child's behavior is infringing on someone else's enjoyement of a meal or other event. (If one's child insists on screaming in a resturaunt, the parent may need to pick up that child and take them outside - been there, done that.) Please comment and let me know your thoughts on all this. Am I completely out to lunch on all this?? (With my child dinning with me, of course.)

Hunting Attacks

One of my sisters suffers from what my family calls "hunting attacks." It's brought on by her husband going hunting for a few days and leaving her home with three kids. About halfway through the weekend, he's usually called home early to manage a home front crisis, much to the amusement of our man's man brother-in-law and the criticism of our well-meaning parents. Why can't she just let a man be a man?

After a week in Montana with my in-laws, I'm starting to get it. Although I didn't break out into a full "attack" of my own, I came close. It's not that I don't want D to play golf, fish, raft, and do all the things you do in the wilds of Montana (Grizzly bears and no DSL), it's just that I want to do those things too, which is complicated with Jr. in tow.

To D's credit, he's having his own mourning period of being able to do what he wants when he wants when in the manly state of Montana. Having a wife and child has cramped his style dramatically and he's taking it fairly well (and is leagues ahead of any man in my family). That being said, if I was the stand-by-your-man-woman my Idaho upbringing should have taught me to be, I have a sneaking suspicion that he'd be content to let the women and the children keep the home fires burning, while he goes after "the big one" (what man wouldn't?).

Although I already know this, I was reminded this week--again--that I AM NOT the mother or wife of previous generations and frankly, don't have many role models in that regard. My mom was a homemaker and although I’m starting to fall into a similiar category, I think it means something very different today and is still being defined. And, sometimes I wish that I didn’t’ have to be the one to define--or defend it.

Darn Nature

Even as I come up for air after a very busy, tiring, stressful, sleep-deprived (although meaningful, touching, rewarding, awe-inspiring) 14+ months that were kicked off by one of the world's longest labor and birth experiences (about 54 hours of active labor at 2 full weeks past my very accurate due date)... I've caught myself having "baby urges." Are you KIDDING? In my mind I know I am not ready for another baby right now! At the same time I am surprised at the power of the procreating instinct.

I expect that Jeeper will get a sibling (not yet sure if it will be bio or adopted which is a whole different discussion/post for another time).

But not ANY day soon.

New Blue Shoes

On Saturday I made a first-time visit to Me ‘N Moms and I hit a "Mom Find" grand slam!

Run number one: The store itself which was neat, clean, well-organized and well-stocked. An anomaly in the world of consignment.

Run number two: The great clothes I found for Jeeper including a new Babystyle long sleeve tee (for FOUR BUCKS!) and a funky dinosaur tee by Tangerine (a hard-to-find boutique designer of boy clothes).

Run number three: The perfect walking toy. On the way to the store, I was wishing I had a walking toy for Jeep, but I didn’t want to spend much money. How about a gently used Little Tikes Activity Walker for 8 dollars? Yes, thank you!

The final run: Brand new, too cute, blue shoes! M n’ M’s sells new shoes by Robeez and See Kai Run and I scored the last pair of the discontinued, but still so cool, Marek sandal. I couldn't believe it. They are the perfect size for Jeep’s feet, the timing is perfect for our trip to SoCal next week, and can't beat the perfect $19.95 price.

Yay, team!!!

"Healthy meals and good books"

As a working mother, I have always worried about whether my kids were going to turn into Chinese take out cartons or become best friends with the drive thru guy at Mc Donalds. Healthy meals and ready the moment we get home is never synonymous. But I have found something that has been a lifeline www.dreamdinners.com

Dream Dinners, founded by two working mothers, has helped me on many occasions put a healthy meal on the table quickly and without much effort. You go to their website, check out the monthly menu and select the meals you want. You then go to the store and assemble your meals. It is fun, feels like you are actually cooking and in about 90 minutes you walk out with 12 meals that feed 6 people each. You defrost in the morning before you leave for work and then either pop in the oven or cook on your stove when you get home. Make a salad and some rice and you’re good to go! For a family of 4, you either have two full meals or a dinner and then lunch for the adults, depending on how much of a hit it was at the dinner table.

It seems a bit pricey at first, but I have cut back on buying dinner groceries and just buy side dish stuff. BTW - if you are vegetarian, this option may not work well for you. Most of their dishes are meat based. My family doesn’t eat these meals every day, but once or twice a week it is great. It also forces me to cook things I wouldn’t normally, like paella and Caribbean Pork Roast. Me and my family love it!


My other recommendation is a place for bi-lingual children’s books. Being Filipino-American, I rarely find books with Filipino faces and stories. Until recently, there were no books written in both English and Tagalog (Filipino native language). A few year ago, I discovered Children’s Book Press in San Francisco. They publish, Lakas and the Manilatown Fish, a story about a young Pilipino boy and a magic fish. Not only does it have beautiful art, but it shares a lot about our culture. Children’s Book Press has stories about kids growing up in the US from Mexico, Vietnam, Korea, Central America and the list goes on. All stories share about their culture and are written in two languages side by side, not in different books. The CBP website also has lesson plans for teachers and are always looking for folks to write good stories. Check it out at www.childrensbookpress.org.

One Stroller to Rule Them All

Like most expectant mothers, I carefully researched baby gear during my pregnancy. I knew our sweet baby would require the breast, a car seat, diapers and clothes. Everything else was superfluous and I was determined to find the best basics. In many areas, my frugality and minimalism paid off. Skipping the infant carseat and starting right off with the Britax Roundabout convertible carseat worked just fine. Jeep didn’t seem to miss the baby swing and the excersaucer we never bought. But I was most proud of our selection of the Mountain Buggy Urban Single stroller. So many parents I knew had a closet, trunk or garage full of strollers. But we needed only one. I was self-righteous about the simplicity and singularity of our Buggy. The MBUS was a travel stroller, jogging stroller, and mall stroller all rolled up in one smooth-turning, show-stopping, hot orange package.

Which leads me to my "Mom Find" item. The Maclaren Volo stroller. Ahem. Yes, my solo stroller smugness has vanished. When I needed to take my son to San Francisco for a quick business trip, I worried about hauling the 25 pound Buggy through SeaTac, BART, and the Westin St. Francis. So I read a few reviews, found an online special and purchased a carbon colored Maclaren Volo sight unseen. The carrying strap and 11 pound total weight convinced me to make the purchase, but the one-handed operation and delicate ride have stolen my heart. The Buggy still dominates for trails and car trips, but the Volo is the ride of choice for shopping and airports. This particular "Mom Find" has convinced me that although we can get by without a pack-n-play, a second, lightweight stroller is a must have!

Baja Fresh Keeps Crazy Mom Sane

This post kicks off a Blog Mama Series on Mom Finds. We’ll be featuring our favorite things over the next week.

Anyone who knows me very well knows that Baja Fresh is a drug to me. If I'm having a blood sugar dip or am just in a foul mood, steak taquitos turns it all around. It's times like this that my loved ones wonder if I really am bipolar and if Baja is the self-medicating treatment of choice. Lately, I've had a little too much Baja and it has more to do with their awesome high chairs then with my steak habit.

Since I try to keep the house in "ready-to-show" condition these days, we eat at home as infrequently as possible. And the truth is, Baja is just the best home away from home for us. Their highchairs rock so hard, I'm considering selling my Peg Perego on eBay and buying a Rubbermaid Commercial Highchair just like theirs. Unlike those wood-boxy ones found in most restaurants (which despite matching many a restaurant décor, just SUCK), these have a matching tray and the tray slides all the way to the kid's chest, which is an important feature, I’ve come to learn.

When I fell in love with my leatherette Peg Perego, I read reviews that said that the tray didn’t slide in far enough and left a gap. I thought at the time, no big deal, why would you want to risk suffocating your kid between the tray and the chair anyway? Besides, the leather-look was soooo nice and neutral and matched my kitchen perfectly. BUT NOW, I see. If we had a tray that I could slid flush to Ry’s skin, we’d keep 99% of his food off the floor and I’d be working a whole lot less.

My own cravings aside, Ry really is great at Baja, which at this point, matters more than whether or not I like the taste of my food. Because at Baja, he’ll at least sit still and be quiet (shoveling in quesadilla and guacamole) long enough for me to eat at all. He seems to really like the food there, which makes me wonder if they’ve added some addictive ingredient or if it’s a genetic trait, or of it’s found memories of being in the womb. But all I can say, is that my great mom find of the week, no, of the year, is lunch at Baja Fresh. It’s the only thing keeping us sane.

Am I Really Going to Post About This?

Yes, I guess I am.

Now, I've not been a huge watcher of Oprah in my mothering life, but I do have stretches of time where I'll catch it fairly regularly (thank you, TiVo). And then I don't watch it at all for months - who has the time?? Anyhow, I got to thinking the other day, I'm not really a fan of her particular philosophies or her life message, and she can really get preachy about it sometimes, but I do think her show has focused on issues that really need to be dealt with, acknowledged, discussed, etc. So, here's my list of the Good and Bad about Oprah.

Good:
1. Her segments that focus on needed humanitarian efforts AND the needed financial resources she personally, and her Angel Network, provide for those causes. (Hurricane Katrina relief, the aftermath of the Tsunami in Indonesia, women's medical and health issues in African nations, AIDS education and relief, and SO many others I'm forgetting at this moment.)

2. Her vigilance in speaking out about child molestation/child predators (especially via the internet), AND posting the photos of WANTED child molesters - who ended up being aprehended once they were identified.

3. Bringing to light societal 'secret' issues such as, the child trafficking/prostitution rings in America, Crystal Meth use among stay-at-home Suburban moms, and the whole "On the Down Low" issue - gay african american men - something I knew absolutely nothing about before I watched her show.

4. The fashion shows for REAL women's bodies, and helping to identify what clothing work best. I love that she included the Dove Real Beauty campaign and the women they feature in their advertising.

5. Her message to mothers, that they are doing 'the hardest job in the world'.

Bad:
1. The Tom Cruise show (I caught that one the day it aired - oh my)

2. The flip side of any celebrity show - meaning - when she has celebrities on, she's very gracious and chummy with them all - which I understand. Here's the 'flip side' of that: She has 'real' folks on, and REALLY takes them to task over stuff. On the "When I Knew" show ( as in 'when I knew I was gay') she had a mother and teenage daughter on (the teenage daughter was gay) and the mom was being very honest about her feelings about it and Oprah just raked her over the coals about it. I mean, quite a few parents out there would struggle with having a child tell them they're gay, and Oprah seemed to want to make an example out of this lady. If that's how she feels, ok, but my issue is that she would NEVER talk to a celebrity that way.

3. The Concerts. Sometimes I do like the musical artists she has on, but I just don't think it works on a daytime TV show format. (Although, the Faith Hill one was pretty good - and I don't even listen to Country).

4. The whole James Frey "A Million Little Pieces" - book thing. Wow, that was crazy. I didn't like that she pushed that book so hard from the beginning, and for the longest time prior to that said that there wasn't much out there in the literary world worth putting on her book club. (What?! Why does she decide what is 'good' or 'worthy' writing?)

Well, I guess that's all I've got so far. I don't even know if I'll catch any of the episodes in the fall season since my son no longer naps *sigh*. (I'm still in mouring over the loss of naps). The whole Oprah thing is just funny in a way. I have some friends who are borderline-snobby about it - in that they do NOT watch Oprah, thank you very much. And then there are others who watch it - every. single. day. (My little sis Tivo's it and watches it at night.) Ok, and here's my last Oprah comment - a question really: Why are guys so opposed to watching it? (Let us all hear the men say in unison "Chick Show") Like it somehow calls into question their masculinity if they even admit to watching an episode. Here's a show idea for her! Men Who Watch Oprah ( . . . And the Women Who Make Them - jk). I think I'll send her an email now.

Parents Night Out

I meant to post on Saturday, but I forgot in utter excitement of Parents Night Out! This Saturday, we and 6 other couples, went child free to dinner. After dropping off the 9 children with my father and his 11 year old “head assistant” (who are saints for taking them all on) and 2 large pizzas, brownies and Capri suns, we headed out for a fine Italian meal.

I have to say it was awesome to have “adult conversation”. I had almost forgotten what those are like. Yes, we did dip into conversations about our children’s bowel movements, favorite princess costumes and their ability to be obsessed with dinosaurs, trains and goldfish crackers all at the same time. But it was a little slice of heaven. For the longest time – an exciting Friday night was picking out a new DVD! The fun never stops at our house.

We ventured to a trendy bar after dinner. It was something out of my world. Certainly pre-children I would’ve have been ready to a have shot of good tequila or a dreamy martini. But this evening, I was content holding my husband’s hand and not worried about whether one of my children was trying to dive head first into a fountain. (which happened last week) It was fun to reminisce about what we were like pre-kids and fantasize about life after the pre-school years. I’m hoping a “monthly date night” becomes a reality. Though I have to say, sometimes a night playing Monopoly Junior with the kids and going to bed by 10 p.m. is tough to beat!

This luxury – Parents Night Out – is one I HIGHLY recommend. Putting on makeup and thinking about putting on a fun sun dress as opposed to work wear or something that hides kids finger prints was exciting! Definitely some kinda statement on where I am today. We rarely higher sitters – but wow, it such a reminder that we really need one more often!

BTW- Dad did fine with all the kids. Almost all were asleep in the living room when we got home and my father wasn’t tied up with a gag in his mouth:) whew – he may actually volunteer again.