Counter Culture

I've had a bit of a crisis since becoming a mother of two. The rumblings of this crisis were in the background of my experience mothering one child, but two have brought the issue to the forefront with new pain and clarity (I can only hope those with three or more have moved beyond the pain to some sort of zen state). And the issue is not quite what I had suspected it to be. I thought I was mostly challenged with the thought of myself in the role of mother, as compared to my previous roles of health care provider or avid traveler. While role adjustment disorder certainly was an issue I was contending with, I now feel it only scratched the surface.

Having two kids (or more) and no longer baby kids, I am outnumbered (obvious, I realize). Their agenda usually takes precedence and that agenda is very much NOT like my own. They want to explore emotional extremes with shrieks of joy or screams of rage--I prefer quiet and a cup of coffee. They have blissful timelessness, giving rocks hours of attention--I can't stop watching the clock, worried about being late for work/preschool/a playdate. They don't know the concept of personal space, invading mine and everyone else's--I follow behind, correcting them and apologizing to the potentially offended party. They destruct--I love order.

All of these examples illustrate, for me, my cultural being versus their childish beings. My preferences are the preferences of our culture at large and they aren't meshing with kids. So I wonder: does motherhood demand not only altering my professional role in life, but also my cultural identity? Can I really step off the fast-track, achievement-focused, "entertain me" society I belong to and still exist? I'm toying with the idea of answering, "yes." Instead of trying to figure out how to fit grad school in now--I'll try to learn how to be unscheduled. Instead of getting anxious over the fact that two tantrums and a poopy diaper is making me 20 minutes late--I'll try to rely on others' forgiveness. Instead of cringing at the disarray of my home/desk/mind--I'll try having a glass of wine (hopefully making me not care as much).

I'm just going to state outright: I don't expect to do very well with my new ideas. It's been too many years of valuing goal-oriented efficiency to expect anything less than at least a 15 year conversion process. At which time, I'll probably need to step back on the fast track again. Or maybe not...